PP GURU:
WHAT KIDNEY STONE
KRYPTONITE CAN REALLY
DO TO YOU

It would be a understatement if The PP Guru had told you that his latest Las Vegas sojourn wasn't at least memorable. When the PP Guru first announced on this blog that he was going to embark on a casino cocktail waitress ass- grabing jamboree, he was at first jubilant about the prospect of slapping his sweaty palms of sage wisdom upon the derrieres of the disavowed - but upon arrival at the Purple Papa Guru's sanctorium of stucco roofed
sanctity, the PP Guru realized that all was not well - that the PPP Guru may need extreme medical assistance.

The Purple Papa Guru had just come of some laser blasting surgery for a giant golf ball sized kidney stone that was stuck in his urinary tract. The lasers were successful in blasting the blocked up boulder into tiny weeny bite-size crystals, but the Purple Papa Guru had to be retrofitted with a 'stent' to help regulate the size of the crystals that the PPP Guru had to pass through.



Here's a description of what purpose the stent is supposed to serve (courtsey of http://www.urologystone.com/kidneystones.html )

Ureteral Stents are tubular indwelling devices designed to provide support and maintain patency of the ureter, which may be blocked or obstructed. The indications for placement of a ureteral stent include, ureteral stricture, obstruction by a stone, tumor. In addition a repair or surgical anastomosis of a ureter would require the placement of a ureteral stent.


Plain film demonstrating a right DJ
ureteral stent with a curl seen at
the level of the kidney and bladder
(yellow arrowheads). Note the presence
of a ureteral stone (red arrowhead).


So basically in PP Guru layman's terms - it's a (bamboo shoot - no, only kidding) tube that
they stick up your dick and would most likely venture to say that it must really,... really... hurt like hell.

The PP Guru gets nauseous just by thinking about it.

So Friday morning, while the PP Guru was talking over the coffee talk prognosis with the PPP Guru over a midday lunch bottle of Corona with a twist of lime (only the PP Guru was allowed to have - the PPP Guru was under doctor's orders not to get all 'stinko' - when the Vicodin will do just fine, thank you), the PPP Guru gave his not-so inquisitive offspring the dirty low down of how he can't drink or drive (well,....that is sound advice after all ) and can't eat certain foods like cheese or anything with diary in it- because the kidney stones are made up of nasty little engrams of calcium deposits - plus all the graphic dirty details of what they had to do to install in the 'private' areas of his body.

Can you imagine what Superman must go through if he had stopped for a bite to eat at a pizzeria chain owned by Lex Luthor- this is what he would wind up stuffing into the calzone:

That's right, huge chunks of chrystalized kidney stone kryptonite.



Very, very deadly.

So imagine the PP Guru's harrowing incertitude when the next day after both the PP Guru and PPP Guru were going to make plans to see a preview of the Cinderella Man movie, and no sooner does old man PPP Guru's stent gets caught up in his fly's zipper and had accidently been yanked out. On a Memorial Day weekend, nonetheless when ER doctors were out....GOLFING!! And without that piece of string anchor inserted to keep the size of the stones regulated, there's nothing much one can do but to keeping poppin the antibiotics- because those rocks are going to get bigger than one of those floating stalagmites you see floating around in Reed Richards' Negative Zone, and the PP Guru can't even begine to comprehend how to push something of that size and magnitute through the ol' pooper.

Even though the PPP Guru had managed to experience so much excruciating pain in the balls that one could ever fathom- if he had gotten a temperature- he would have to have been rushed to the emergency and prepped for immediate surgery. But luckily he didn't, as Tuesday morning fell around, the PPP Guru did manage to sway a path through a obstacle course while taking the PP Guru to the airport and felt that the danger had passed and that maybe the stent did its' job after all, but he would be heading to the doctor to get a x-rays done to see if any damage had occured.

So all the while, that the PP Guru had idly been sitting around the sanctorium of stucco roofed sanctity, he had to amuse himself by watching around 14 or so, the regularly scheduled DVDs that he had brought over from his house in Sherman Oaks (gotta have the Cary Coatney channel wherever he goes), looked and cooed at chicks on the internet that he could dream of leaving a lustful bouquet of baptizing bite-marks on their curveous buttocks....if he were prowling the Las Vegas strip at night, and tried to bone up on a bunch of comics that he hasn't had to a chance to read since he got them a month or so ago...

One such book was the extra thick 'Countdown to Infinity Crisis' that was easily obtained for nothing more than a chump dollar- something you wouldn't lose sleep over as if you were playing slots all night in this town. Yeah, so do you wanna know what happens in it? Well. let's see: Blue Beetle dies, Maxwell Lord - just like the coffee is the main ringleader of the criminal organization called Checkmate, and Batman is a schmuck for creating the OMAC project. So take that spoiler warning and stick it up the ass. the PP Guru also got caught up with his essential Luke Cage, Powerman trade paperback that he purchased months ago.

The PP Guru did manage to go out in the daytime hours and tried his best to advert thinking about hot boiling cocktail waitresses and silky nylons that they wear. His old mentor, Obi Wan Danobi, who did mange to pick him from the airport due to the PPP Guru being cripplingly incapacitated, invited him to go out for a game of Bingo in some creepy part of town last Monday at some disclosed location where it seemed to be a combination of a casino and convalescent home services where he witnessed most of the high rollers racing around on the dealer's floor in high speed wheelchairs. For twenty one dollars, you get this radio controlled box that looked like some sort of fibrillating machine. And maybe at some time, it used to. You take this box and open it up and there are electronic cards inside and it displays up to twelve games played 6 different ways across four cards that show up on the screen. And as soon as numbers are called, you have a icon that you've selected to take the place of the numbers that are called on your cards. And if you're one card away from achieving bingo - the remaining number will flash on your screen and will beep loudly when Bingo is called.

No big secret that The PP Guru didn't win. It was probably the worst twenty-one dollars he spent in his life- especially when you're breathing the same air with a bunch of septuagenarian bingo champions.



The PP Guru then ventured on his own to his favorite hotspot, the Westward Ho casino where he took his chances on the Monopoly progressives and tweaked his jedi slot skills on the new Star Wars: A New Hope progressives. Usually the PP Guru tries to avoid inserting his hard earned schekels into these computer animated cash suckers - but for some reason, the PP Guru was drawn into that gambling entity otherwise known as the Frugal Force - he couldn't resist feeling that George Lucas owed him big time for his latest cinematic catastrophe, so the PP Guru wanted to take it out in space operatic spades. The first time PP Guru rolled, he matched like three Luke Skywalkers and won $ 44.00 bucks and the next time he rolled, he matched three Leias and got $ 16- the PP Guru contained himself from not trying to snag a three Death Star bonus round after watching some of his neighbors win a few, the game also has bonus rounds in which Han Solo blast Stormtroopers for points and Obi Wan Kenobi fights it out with a lightsaber duel to the death with Darth Vader (and sometimes Obi Wan wins - geez talk about Crisis in Infinite Star Wars parallel universes!!). So it would be safe to say, that George Lucas more than adequately refunded his admission price for Revenge of the Shits although the Purple Papa Guru paid more than the ultimate price for the entire weekend.

As relayed via a tedious brain damaging cellphone converstaion through:

~

Coat