Originally presented on blog.myspace.com/purplepinupguru on 08/10/2006 in cheeky monkey Cary Coatney mode

Dancing Pole on A Volcano!! - Finalized.
Current mood: drained

DANCING POLE ON A VOLCANO!! Another long awaited chapter in the Cary Coatney/Rikki Lixxx turmoil of love scandal

I swear - my life basically writes itself. Yet again, here is another chapter in the continuing saga of ' Melrose Hell '.

First, I'm giving a plug for a project I'm currently working on - www.israelsoldiers.org - not saying I'm choosing a side here - I'm just here earning money for my rent which is coming up next week- but I think it's for a good cause. In addition to helping out soldiers fight terrorism in the middle-east (not that I'm saying who's right or wrong in this conflict - being neutral in matters which doesn't concern me seems to be my strong suit) they also help some of the children who have been estranged and orphaned during this maddening conflict by providing food & shelter. I've witnessed some of the generosity first hand of the people involved here and I tell you it's worth it getting up at five or six in the morning and do a near two hour commute for. So I'll be here for a few weeks and then hopefully I'll be fully restored to normal entertainment biz employment.

Now back to our show-

Lixi went berserk-o when I told her the Chumpmaster had yelled at me to turn down my DVD player and she then, while inebriated on some tequila concoction proceeded to knock down a whole bunch of shit- including an entire barbeque grill that she originally thought belonged to our mutual nemesis- but before I could warn her that it was a grill belonging to her upstairs neighbor, MS. MYRABIRD- she gave a super hi-flying kick like something out of Fucking Hong Kong Phooey and bowled over a grill which in turn caused a domino effect of knocking down and breaking various flower pots and outdoor trinkets.

I was fucking stunned. I couldn't believe the strength and ferocity exhibited in this girl. So then, she ran inside her apartment and slammed her door. I manuevered ever so slowly to the Chumpmaster's patio abode- afraid she was going to come out and heave a gernade or something and began to pick up pieces of the knocked over flower pots - The Chumpmaster poked his head out and we had a brief exchange of words - which was mostly of me driving my point home of how he should still apologize for calling her a whore in the first place. He looks at me with a blank stare and says: ARE YOU TRYING TO START SHIT UP WITH ME?? .

It wasn't worth getting into. I told him to go back to sleep and I'll clean up the mess.

Then later I'm getting txt and voice messages from Lixi telling me how two-faced I am in helping to clean up her mess. She wanted CHUMPMASTER to see the devastation. I told her - vandalizing private property was not the answer to our problems. This went on and on through the night.

Then we sort of worked it out.

But CHUMPMASTER went and got revenge the next day. As he brought in a new player into the game just to make matters worse.

ENTER THE SPOILER KING. I call him Spoiler King because he has a uncanny habit of logging on the internet and reading tv show synopsises of shows such as 24 or Prison Break and e-mails me what's going to happens at the end of upcoming episodes. And brother, do I hate that.

Due to time restrictions -I'm going to cut and paste a e-mail that I wrote to Lixi giving some brief insight of what happened next:

Lixi,

I think you, Spoiler King and I have been made into chumps by Chumpmaster all along.


My theory is that he orchestrated all this bickering we had been having - because one thing that Spolier King said to me last night is that Chumpmaster said he physically saw you 'take his grill' that one morning many months ago. (We're taking about an incident that occured last November. This shit's been going on for a months, people)

Now that doesn't jive with me - I told Spoiler King I've been in both your apartment and your garage and there is no trace of his smokerhouse grill anywhere. I would recognized it if I saw it.

So - the only conclusion HAS TO BE: Chumpmaster took Spoiler King's grill to exacerabate the rift you have going between you two. And I bet you dollars to donuts that Spoiler King's grill is inside Chumpmaster's garage.

Another thing I told Spoiler King: you had a solid alibi concerning the matter of the gate being unlocked on Sunday night (the same night that Lixi went off - the gate which houses both their vehicles). I told him that it was impossible that you left it unlocked because I told him that you did not physically leave your apartment AT ALL on Monday morning because you were so depressed that night (over what I did not tell him) and left me a bunch of text messages. Once I told him - he immediately cooled down - he knows that I'm not going to lie to him - and I told him that you were filing a harrassment suit against Chumpmaster and that I would serve as a witness because I physically witnessed him trying to attack you.

So with both you basically telling me the same story about who was leaving the gate open at night- it just made sense that both of you were being set up to be pitted against each other since you both claim to have both your cars keyed and each other's shit thrown into your parking spaces.

And freakin' Chumpmaster probably has been laughing at us the whole time and jerking himself off all the while we've been at each other's throats because he gets off on other people's miseries..

Last night, you and Spoiler King would have been a clash of titans. And I didn't want to see any unneccessary bloodshed to occur. I would have stepped in between you two - but I know that Spoiler King outweighs me and would've tossed me aside like a flea- but I was preparing to go the distance and it fucking scares the shit out of me to be even pondering that thought - Spoiler King said he was prepared to go to jail that night if that tow truck had shown up. (Lixi took the regular padlock off the gate and replaced it with one of her own - hence locking the Spoiler King out of his rightful parking space - so Spoiler King blocked his car across the gate so that Lixi couldn't get out- so Lixi decided to call a tow truck ). But I guess I'm blessed with these super powers of dipomacy - that I can successfully mediate terms to bring about peace and order. Basically you both won out and got what you two wanted.

(What I had to do was a negotiate a treaty - replace Spoiler King's Smokehouse grill in exchange of him promising not to go down to harm her and I would tell Lixi that Spoiler King would remove his car if she went down and changed the lock back).

Whewww.

I think I should go into politics and become a peace ambassador or something.

As soon as my heart stops pounding.

Remind me to tell you this story one day of how I saved this guy in San Diego from being ripped apart by a mob - this situation last night sort of mirrors it (which is the inspiration of the next story that I'm writing for the new issue of Deposit Man )

xoxoxo loads

Cary

So Lixi and I discussed our sort of one year anniversary'. I told her that due to our continuing up and down relationship - I suggested a gift was in order. She said that she would like a 'stripper pole' installed in her kitchen - something to exercise to I told her - ok- the price wasn't too steep - $129.95 with tax. So we agreed to get it - but with the stipulation that I would not say anything disparging or to tell anyone in the complex that I bought it for her.

So we went and got it at some lingerie shop in Tarzana- but this will only be the beginning of our latest downfall - which at the moment I'm still smarting from. Next week - sinister cards and letters will be exchanged between us in ways no one could ever imagine - so join us next week for : LETTERS FROM THE TWATLIGHT ZONE - won't you?

~

Coat