Zombie Jesus is notoriously hard to put down.
It was as the subtle, burning glances of His onlooking Roman captors, the angry, rabble, and remorsefully sullen followers became more stricken with terror, fright, and penance that Zombie Jesus returned to this world, forcing his broken, tired limbs, blood-stained from the mortal wounds he had suffered, to pull his undead carcass from the rough hewn Cross so that he might seek the most appropriate Earthly sustenance deserved of the sacrificed son of God: a crimson river of Flesh and Brains to satiate his heavenly hunger.
Defeating Zombie Jesus
Unlike the common zombie or the common Jesus, Zombie Jesus is notoriously difficult to put down. The garden-variety zombie can be killed by a shovel to the brain, but only the Soviets (and Cthulhu armed with a pair of Sephiroth-chucks) could defeat Zombie Jesus.
Yeah, the 'wine-is-my-blood' thing wasn't metaphorical. 12 undead disciples, suckah!
Some theologians and religious scholars have argued that certain translations of the Gospel, as well as some parts of other translations, point to the possibility that Jesus came back not as a zombie, but as a vampire. If this is true, certain parts of the Gospel that seemed a bit odd could be easily explained - such as his tendency to sleep in tombs, and Luke 9:60 "Leave the dead to bury their own dead". Also, Vampire Jesus was not killed by a shovel in the head, as his head was not actually completely removed, and his apparent desire to have his followers drink his blood (something zombies have no taste for, as they can't chew it). This would also explain the inherent fear of crosses that all vampires seem to have.
Judas is often portrayed as being the very essence of evil by many Christians. However, it is apparent to the intelligent population that Judas was in fact the original vampire slayer and the ancestor of Simon Belmont. With the help of his greatest friend and ally Ponchos Pilot, Judas was able to defeat Vampire Jesus following his resurrection. ...
The debate over whether Jesus came back as a zombie or a vampire caused yet another schism in the Christian Church, and forming two new Christian denominations: Zombie Christians and Vampire Christians. About half of the population of Vampire Christians claim that they converted because "Vampires are just so much more awesome than zombies". These people were insane, of course. Zombies are far superior.
In recent decades there has been a movement to reconcile the two factions by declaring that Jesus was both zombie and vampire. This can best be seen with the song "Days of Swine and Roses" by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult which has as part of its chorus the words "Christian Zombie Vampires".
HE DIED FOR OUR SINS, NOW HE'S BACK FOR OUR BRAINS!!
Don't even get me started on werewolf Jesus.
Maybe we can talk about the "Virgin" Mary later - eh?