GURU: GETTING YOUR “JOLLIES OFF” ON JARVIS

So wayyyyy back sometime last fall, The PP Guru wrote a scathing editorial on of what J. Michael Straczynski's intentions could have been when he sat down and scripted a big five month long story arc in the Amazing Spider-Man during which Gwen Stacy had somehow conceived offspring during the time when Peter Parker was dating her in that glorious enraptured period of John Romita and Gil Kane's run on the title. Straczynski tried to sell the title's readership on the assumption that Peter never got to find out in the coarse of their nuturing but stormy relationship of whether or not Gwen Stacy was truly ... blond all over - but sure as Norman Osborn didn't waste any time, as he easily managed to spread Gwen's luscious thighs faster than a indian squaw can churn melted butter for his jiffy-pop popcorn and gave her the world reknown Green Goblin Vlastic Dill Pickle Special while they were both overseas in Paris (the PP Guru often wonders if Norman or Harry Osborn's pubes even look as rough and coarse as Brillo Pads?). Therefore as a result of this twisted coupling, two screwed up twins came popping out of Gwen's uterus imbued with some kind of radioactive DNA that made them age faster than us normal folk - and as they were growing up - it was no surpise that daddy got them belching on Green Goblin power spiked kool-aid and as a result, were dispatched to hunt down Peter Parker in retaliation for the death of their mother- as according to the hoola hoop intellectual world of Norman Osborn.

Are you tired of
cutting off your
Aunt May's Head?

As every geek who may gotten his first blow job from a pet piranha already knows, it was Norman Osborn who truly killed Gwen Stacy. Our favorite lamented blond is so far on the losing edge of the score when it comes to the ressurection play-offs. Gwen has not been successfuly brought back into the magical land of the Marvel living universe as much as Norman has.

One of the twins had picked up the mantle of the Green Goblin and tried to make Peter into as so much as Spidey chowder when the serum that triggered off Norman's sanity meter went haywire, accelerating the twins' aging process. Peter managed to save the twins and convince them that he wasn't their real daddy and then got uncivil with his wife, Mary Jane Watson when he found out that she knew about the tryst all along. So as a aftermath of sorts, which was covered in the short lived Spectacular Spider-Man vol 2 series written by Paul Jenkins, Peter had to go to Paris and help daughter Sarah sort out through some problems. Didn't really do too much for the PP Guru's voracious reading appetite other than to 'web' up loose ends.

ZOMG!!
It's Really Barbara Bush!!

However, within the last six months or so, J. Michael has been exploring the idea of placing Spidey into the New Avengers- well, that is, it could have been Brian Michael Bendis' idea to begin with, but in the current six issue story arc, Uncle Joe explores the angle with how maybe Spidey, MJ, and Aunt May are coping to their new high-life status when they are invited to get a temporary load off up in Tony Stark's deluxe penthouse in the sky while Aunt May's gets through reading the fine print on the home owner insurance policy. Things doesn't bode well for her when the cataracts in her eyes reaches the clause about unplanned fire sales like the one that occured in the previous story arc when one of Peter's old school chum started to go all Molten Man Junior on him leaves her everything null and void. And during this period of this readjustment, it appears that J.Michael has another chink in his armour to work through that is heavily being fueled by his insatiable power for carnal knowledge.

Hot...

Steamy...

Septuagenarian....

Sex.....!!

Just what in the hell is Uncle Joe got going with Aunt May and.....Jarvis the Butler ???

Edwin Jarvis

Ever the loyal butler, he continued to serve Avengers, even in his senior years.

Yes well, it seems while Peter is embroidered in a conflict with the newly organized and the revamped Al Qaeda stylized terrorist organization known as H.Y.D.R.A., Peter and the rest of the new Avengers (Iron Man, Captain America, Luke Cage, & Spider-Woman) have been hunting down evil Super Adaptoid doppelgangers of themselves while Jarvis is up in the pantry, making sweet gouda George Foreman grilled sandwiches, popping the cork off a freshly breathed bottle of chardonay and whispering whatever is the trendest in man-servant pick up lines is these days, such as:

Nice ass you got there, Aunt May.

Take for instance this scene in the current issue of Amazing Spider-Man, # 522 (?) - Jarvis nearly crosses the threshold of sexual harassment - After Tony Stark and Peter Parker hash out a little discrepancy over tabloid rumors concerning Mary Jane Watson being held responsible for sneaking around Tony's pad and giving him some 'iron' head (and you can spit out the nuts and bolts puns on that one too), Jarvis consols May on how much the young can be heaped upon with such malicious media burden while having his ARM creeped around her SHOULDER. Before Jarvis realizes that he may overstepped his bounds- he removes his arm - BUT AUNT MAY quickly snaps at him to put it back right where it was. What could have followed next was a friendly little bout of water sports in the executive washroom or a shared Metamucil fast food burger from Hot Carl's eaten in private in the master's study while being washed down with a little 69 flavored Gatorade. Who knows what sexual escapades these senior citizens are capable of these days? Uncle Joe can only leave us guessing.

So what is it with J. Michael and his fixated obsession with the cast of the Amazing Spider-Man sex lives? Did J.Michael somehow have a traumatic experience with a Barbie and Ken doll when he was a kid that it left him scarred for life? The PP Guru isn't try to wave a white flag for prudeness here, folks- it's just that super hero books should be focused squarely on...

super-villain fights..

...saving the world from aimless wanton destruction caused by a interplanetary invasion force..or

...ego testostrone smackdowns by other guest starring hotheaded super-heroes!

That's the recipe for a good enjoyable super hero comic book..

Not....

...sexually saturated scenes of Mary Jane Watson in a Victoria Secret crotchless panties or....

Aunt May all souped up in a leather SM bodystocking slapping Jarvis with a French whip while he's autoerotically throttling himself on a ball gag while blood seaps out of his rectum.

Then Word had leaked out to the PP Guru of an additional subplot that J.Michael had to reluctanly scissor out due to the already scintillating brouhaha getting out of hand. The exorcised scenes dealt with a down on his luck Paste Pot Pete, otherwise known as the Trapster, who now finds himself in a dreary Park Avenue alley coupled with a pack of filthy smelly degenerates who while seeking out the scraps of a surf and turf buffet behind a Morton's steakhouse happen to stumble across a few discarded downloaded discs containing spliced together scenes of Spidey & MJ getting wild while hanging upside down on a thin strand of web fluid off the 72nd floor precipice of the Chrysler Building. The footage could have been shot by one concerned citizen on a videocam who thought that it may have been some mutated gene bats constructing a nest- but couldn't sell it to the major news networks. CNN or Fox News probably passed on it too. So Paste Pot Pete takes it to a friend who's very savvy in the computer technology and world wide web and they run dupe copies, and then rent out booths at all the major comic book conventions to make a killing in bootleg sales- even though other dealers who specialize in the same kind of merchandise prosper from the capitol gain of making their own grainy copies. Word of mouth then spreads on a multitude of message boards that this video is a essential must have in any Mary Jane Watson downloaded porn collection. Spider-Penis-man Spins Mary Jane's Web II becomes a cultural phenomenon nearly overnight. The Trapster then takes a percentage of his proceeds and buys a block of condominiums in the Browery where he begins to expand into a porn production house - which is where Spidey catches up with him when he ambushes Paste Pot Pete in the living room suite while masturbating to the Adult DVD that made him into an overnight entrepreneur sensation. As typical as most Marvel Superhero circle jerks go, it ends very sloppily, as web fluid and homemade paste are flung precariously over the course of a few panels.

Jeez, perhaps The PP Guru needs to give himself a cold shower after reciting that diddy.

The PP Guru needs to clear up one thing before his readers misinterpret this as a hatesong to Uncle Joe- the PP Guru wants everyone to know that he emphatically adores the majority of his output. From chief story editor on the mid-eighties Twilight Zone revival and transcend forward to the 5 plus season run masterpiece of his greatest creation, Babylon 5, J.Michael is a storytelling force to be reckoned with, but in comics....?

It just doesn't work sometimes..

The PP Guru knows that Uncle Joe puts in his all and gives his books just the same amount of love as he would do to scripting a full season of Babylon 5 - but sometimes the same formula of what makes a well-written show gel with the public can't really apply the same to a comic book series. The theoretical problem the PP Guru has with J. Michael is that he tries effortlessly to mire an action comic book with too much dialogue and exposition. Like the PP Guru has said before- super hero comics equates with 22 pages of action and story - not drawn out soap opera interludes where you can practically expect a Stay-Free Maxie Pad commerical to come popping in at any second. The PP Guru tunes into a comic book to see people to get maimed and killed. Cities ready to be blown up by deranged costumed dictators such as Doctor Doom or Darkseid.

The PP Guru wishes that Uncle Joe would take his own book of The Complete Book of Scriptwriting off the shelf and maybe revise it with a chapter on writing comic books, cause he's certainly allowed his movie and television writing career to suddenly lapse. No one can claim that writing two to three comic book title a month is exactly paying the bills these days. This must be one severe paycut J. Michael is undertaking.

If it wasn't for J.Michael Straczynski 's book, Cary Coatney probably wouldn't have been able to hone his craft of writing fine apt panel descriptions of how to utilize certain camera angles to convey to his artist collaborator, Larry Nadolsky in his ever- dilligent comic book series called the Deposit Man- not if he hadn't been able to study and learn from the glossary located in the back pages. Nonetheless, the PP Guru will give this Aunt May / Jarvis geritol-enhanced genital spit swap another six months, or until at least H.Y.D.R.A gets destroyed, whichever comes first . He will keep you appraised of any further developments in this late breaking senior moment story.

The only one to contract Alzheimer's through the ass and then passed off as brain work to:

~ Coat