The Purple Pinup Guru Platform

When purple things are pulsating on your mind, I'm the one whose clock you want to clean. Aiding is Sparky, the Astral Plane Zen Pup Dog from his mountain stronghold on the Northernmost Island of the Happy Ninja Island chain, this blog will also act as a journal to my wacky antics at an entertainment company and the progress of my self published comic book, The Deposit Man which only appears when I damn well feel like it. Real Soon Now.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

GURU: IT'S A BLUE
MOON WORLD FOR
THE PP GURU

The PP Guru arrived back the other day from his CAPITALIST FREE ENTERPRISE BREAK out in Las Vegas which didn't make one iota of difference to boost his finances to his already depleting checking account. The PP Guru decided that $ 160.00 was the limit to piss away on progressive slots, bingo playing, and keno machines. There were moments that he was up in the till- but the lure of the pretty graphics on the Star Wars progressives was enough to mesmerize him to drop most of his winnings just to see if he could destroy the Death Star or not. Before the PP Guru realized, even the skid marks in his underpants started to resemble losing streaks.

The PP Guru is desperate to win mega-money, so that he could pop out a few more projects off the printer via Cary Coatney's small press publishing conglomerate, Landescape Productions. Although, not all his time was spent smoking Parlies and waiting to roll lucky sevens- he did get in some Monday afternoon research time on Purple Papa Pinup Guru's computer for a project that he wants to collaborate with Tantalizing Tara of the Tariff Toenails on. During the coarse of the coarse of these 'tutored at home' periods, he also happened to stumble on some startling information on someone that he knows who is within close proximity of his residence in Sherman Oaks - very close proximity, the PP Guru hastens to say. With his polymer lips sealed, the PP Guru has sworn himself to utmost secrecy to protect the identity of this person of whom he learned of some... uhm, precarious activity through a google search - otherwise the PP Guru would probably wind up with a swift high heel kick to the privates if he were to ever to divulge that information to the general blogging reading public.

Oops, now how did that slip out?

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The PP Guru wants to jump up hooping and a hollering in a euphoric jubilee that he is living a dream come true, but after careful consolation from partner Sparky and other various members of friends and family- well, let's just say that's way too premature for the PP Guru to egregiously start 'jumping the couch' as they say in Tom Cruisespeakinese. Jumping the bones would be a more apt description, but let's move on now that the PP Guru has forcibly had to neuter himself over not giving this subject a 'strange to real life stirrings below the belt' once over- even though this would be the biggest story to hit this blog since we outed Talking Tina as a e-bay spamming republician she-male, forcing her out of some Starbucks' out in Toluca Lake to go pack up and chill with the gators in Jacksonville, Florida. But Sparky and I - we are sworn to protect the names of the innocent, until proven guilty of whatever the fuck they're doing. (Timmy is in the well? Lassie?) - Sparky

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No, that's not Talking Tina, but someone else the PP Guru knows (but not in the biblical sense)- . Patience, for the PP Guru is trying very hard to curtail his mental mind conjuring telepathic abilities. These things just slip through without warning.

Actually, the PP Guru is literally more obsessed with having a carte blanche expense account than he is interested in immersing himself in a enticing game of grabass with the finest of reformed magdalenes that Los Angeles or Las Vegas has to offer. Other than the uncontractary moral obligations that he has in keeping to shit out products, ( not to mention that he also has a Batman story that has been brewing up in his head for the past twenty years that needs pounding out) the PP Guru wouldn't mind going back to give his constantly roving digits a octave reaching calisthenic workout on a new goddamn synthesizer.

The PP Guru just loves synthesizers.

The PP Guru's love affair with these tweaky cheeky knob of blips and burping sci-fi oscillating washing machines began in his later days of high school when he bought his first monophonic analog synthesizer called the Pro-One that was manufactured in the late seventies to mid-eighties by the now defunct Sequential Circuits company that had set up shop in San Jose, Ca.
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The Pro-One was a single voiced (monophonic) synthesizer that was supposed to jam out lead lines 'via' the Keith Emerson or Tony Banks way, depending on your preference as opposed to using to their big brother polyphonic line of instruments, the Prophet 5 or the Prophet 10 (more than one voice) for orchestral or choirous effects. The PP Guru saved up for his from the three paper routes that he used to commandeer through various apartment complexes out of his secret Guru installation in packed fudge Parsippany, New Jersey. The PP Guru's evil stepfather, the badly in need of a REALITY CHECK ROGER did not like this creative aspiration of the PP Guru to learn how to play a musical instrument- so therefore he did not allow the PP Guru to buy a keyboard AMP to go along with it! So the PP Guru had to resort to playing it through headphones- however, badly in need of a REALITY CHECK ROGER did not count on the PP Guru's resourcefulness (and this is why he showed enough talent to go to sound engineering school for a while in Ohio) to hook up his Pro One synthesizer through the STEREO SPEAKERS so he could jam along to Asia's 1982 hit, Only Time Will Tell'. The only musician that the PP Guru he knew shared the same instrument with at that time was Marillion keyboardist, Mark Kelly who used it to quite of a effect on a couple of songs off their first album, Script for A Jester's Tear on the tracks, "He Knows, You Know" and "Garden Party. "

Since the PP Guru made his permanent migration to California, he has gone through a arsenal of three keyboards, plus he used to borrow a few from a studio in North San Diego county to help continue his engineering studies and to help develop certain patches of sounds from boards utilized by Ensoniq, Roland, and Kurtzweil and added them to soundtracks of student nature documentaries. The PP Guru has very few of these tapes left and aren't enough to constitute an album's worth of self indulgent material. Some pieces are good and some are just too damn dreadful to listen to. A dog's whistle would sound better than Brahms on his deathbed if this prized collection were to be released to the general public. Two keyboards that the PP Guru used to own - A Roland JP 800 and a Casio keyboard got destroyed in the massive 1994 Northridge Earthquake. The Pro One suffered damage as well- but it took a while to completely clunk out on the PP Guru and were very had to service as this website will attest to as how they were manufactured on a very delicate membrane circuit board.

So the PP Guru wishes he was back in the market for some new electronic instruments, but prior committments to Cary Coatney's line of Deposit Man books prevents him from doing so. Coatney wants to start putting in a $ 1000.00 campaign in all the comic book trades advertising the DEPOSIT MAN and doesn't have enough in the petty cash box to help him swing over to Guitar Center, so the PP Guru can indulge in that rock god omnipotence that he is co clamouring for. All the PP Guru has left is a dusty old Roland JP-3000 that has seen better days and doesn't sound all that fresh anymore as the keys are breaking off one by one.

<> Otherwise, porn stars and strippers would be lined up around the block to reach under his tunic to stroke his 'guitar neck' - Hey wait a sec- the PP Guru said synthesizers - not electric guitars..

Well - if the PP Guru were to hightail it with the petty cash box - the PP Guru would unfurl his pockets and splurge them on a Nord imported directly from Sweden and used consistantly by Tomas Bodin of the Flower Kings;

or a Roland V-Synth, recommended to the PP Guru by Arena & Pendragon keyboardist Clive Nolan.

<>Or the Korg MS2000B complete with vocoder mike so that the PP Guru can annoy all his neighbors by singing 'Video Killed the Radio Star' into it over and over until they nearly come to torch his apartment. Then he would stop.

Well, this has been a few of the PP Guru's favorite things...that he very well can't afford.

As sent via Western Union, but not enough to waste $13.65 to make the deadline on time to :

~ Coat








3 Comments:

  • At 2:48 PM , Blogger Coat said...

    Isn't the neighbor over the top? - Sparky

     
  • At 4:05 PM , Blogger Coat said...

    MOM's the word...

    oops,

    Er, I meant to say mum's the world.

    The PP Guru made no mention in the essay of her being his neighbor.

    ~

    Coat

     
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