PP Guru:
STRANGE STIRRINGS BELOW
THE GURU's BELT -
Special Santa Barbara Edition

The PP Guru had some recuperating to do after he got done attending the 29th birthday of his favorite gal pal, Tantalizing Tara of Tango Toot Tamales. It was a very heady affair of wine stories, cheese & crackers, red velvet cake cupcakes, and some very interesting people- people even more interesting than the PP Guru himself. But of course, the PP Guru came dressed as Batman, so nobody really knew that it was mild mannered eccentric billionaire PP Guru in disguise. The PP Guru has taken pictures of this black-garbed saturnalia and will share them with you next week of Tantalizing Tara in all her alluring sexy vampy glory as well as her friends when Tantalizing Tara herself will be the headline top story of that Peabody award winning series - REAL LIFE STRANGE STIRRINGS BELOW THE GURU's BELT.

So in prose celebration of Tantalizing Tara of the Tumultuous Tumbling Tenderfoots- Tantalizing Tara has requested the PP Guru to feature a celebrity subject of her own choosing to get her extravagant wine buzz going at her private retreat somewhere in Santa Barbara and the PP Guru was more than happy to oblige:

So, without further ado- Tantalizing Tara gets a little damp in the pants over:



Hey little DAKOTA FANNING- Want some PP Guru candy?

What? Whoa- now that's just sick!! the PP Guru must have made a grevious error somewhere- in his memory banks- so, let's pause for some minor readjustment, shall we?

Child porn? Why the PP Guru should hope not- he certainly wouldn't be able to cope with a electronic braclet wrapped around his privates and hey-

Hey, now that idea of an electonic braclet is not such a bad....

Oh, Never mind.

It's just that the PP Guru has been concerned lately about how Tom Cruise is constantly callously flinging around PR for his Church of Scientology beliefs on daytime TV housewife targeting vehicles such as Oprah Winfray and the Today Show - that he's worried about how manipulative a role model Tom can be to poor little defendless Dakota and the PP Guru may have uncovered a fiendish plot of how he may be able to manuever and prey upon her invulnerablilty and coax her into signing up to his cheap bought out 99 cent store religion. The PP Guru is ever on the alert and has deprogrammers standing by and ready.

Now where was the PP Guru with his favorite femme fatale, Tantalizing Tara who is now, as the PP Guru writes this, probably on her way up to the coast to Santa Barbara to enjoy a exciting weekend locked away in some luxorious hotel suite opening up fermented bottles of Chardonnay, staring at the artwork on the walls of vineyards , and being slathered on with grape leave massages by a German masseuse named Hans while falling into a meditative-like state as her unconsciousness slowly drifts towards dirty filthy erotic dreams of ...

... Sofia Coppola?
That's right- Tara's flavor of the month is Sofia, even though the one time Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee for Lost in Translation has been out of the limelight of late - but a little PP Guru investigation has turned up some startling revelations via wikipedia - which states that Sofia has been doing some research in Versailles for her next directorial effort based on the life of doomed 18th-century royal, Queen Marie Antoinette, who was guillotined by French republicans in 1793 with Kirsten Dunst set to play the lead role. Asia Argento, of whom the PP Guru spewed his happy zen seed upon last week is also in this movie in the role of Madame du Barry. The movie will be released through Sony Pictures in 2006.

So how did Tantalizing Tara come to the realization that Sophia was the only kinetic love connection for her? She answered the question in this e-mail reply:




DAKOTA - can you even comprehend what Tom is trying to do to you? - DO YOU REMEMBER during those trailer breaks on the production of the War of the Worlds set when Dianeticrat TOM Out of Control CRUISE hooked some electrodes to the waist hem of your freshly bought K-Mart girly underpants and was sending little electrical tingles throughout your body- just by a push of a remote controlled button secretly embedded in his Cartier wristwatch? Well, Dakota what you would be experencing there is the first step in being assimulated into the evil throes of the Church of Scientology. The PP Guru is here to help break that vicious kind of conditioning. You won't be taken in for a Thetan thumb ride, unlike that poor Katie Holmes who has now solemnly vowed under the control of a personality test hypnosis to lick away Tom's toejam woes for the rest of her misbegotten life.

Tantalizing Tara - the PP Guru apologizes for that rude interruption- that was a DAKOTA Amnesia Pervention Alert bulletin that just came in his via HD-TV Sonor micro wave range patented helmet. Deprogrammers are now standing by and are ready to dispatch.

Anyway, back on the subject concerning Tantalizing Tara's magical wishbone fantasies about Sofia: that's a tough one. i was all about Sarah McLachlan for awhile but her concert was boorish and the long hair doesn't work. Halle Berry I saw in person one night, but I'm not completely sold. Tina Fey was on the list till she got pregnant. Rosario Dawson is certainly attractive. hmmm. help me out here, PP Guru. I need a green-eyed woman with dark hair. can you think of anyone? someone probably about 28-32.

What do you think the PP Guru is running here - a celebrity pimp service? The only rumor the PP Guru heard is that when he takes in his tunics to get dry cleaned at this place in Toluca Lake right next door to the Starbuck's where Talking Ti---

Uh, oh - this just in:




DAKOTA- You must clear your mind of all things TOM CRUISE. The PP Guru knows he plays your daddy in Spielberg's newest overbudgeted TV movie of the week - but you are rope a doped into some sick process of servitude! You must undo the straps that are binding you to that wooden chair. You MUST remove that ballgag from out of your mouth and walk back into the light from that darkened closet that he put you in. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN ALIVE BY COCKROACHES the way that Lisa McPherson's body was found a few years back in Clearwater, Florida- do you? Hang in there little Dakota - help is on its way.

Ooo, Ooo - I got it PP Guru! Sofia Coppola!! I'm going to choose Sofia Coppola. I liked her movie and her family is in the wine business. and she's definitely hot.

Hmmm- the PP Guru is just a tad disappointed. He was really hoping that Tantalizing Tara would shift her miff towards actress Jennifer Connolly - since she would be such a dead ringer for her younger sister. But then, if we all really really had the choice - could we have sex with our evil counterparts- our doppelgangers for a lack of a better term, if confronted with the scientific wanton need and desire?

Oh come on, the PP Guru would never respect himself in the morning.




But nonetheless, Tantalizing Tara had made an interesting choice that reflects on her interests and the type of recreation that she enjoys to indulge in. Tantalizing Tara could trade secrets with Sofia ( the Coppolas, including daddy Francis are in the wine biz too) on ways to sloush wine around in your mouth and spit it out like Listerine which the PP Guru has heard that the correct terminology in the restaurant field for this kind of sensuous activity (it would to the PP Guru - if he had caught Tantalizing Tara doing it) is called 'wine breathing' - whereas the one hosting the meal at the table has to be the one to taste test the wine for the rest of his guests-

OH NO !- Not again - the helmet is picking up....




DAKOTA - YOU DO NOT WANT TO CARRY AROUND FAKE CREDENTIALS CLAIMING THAT YOU are A LEGITIMATE CARD CARRYING PSYCHIATRIST WHEN YOU GROW UP. Unlike the polemizing scam that Tom tried to pull over Matt Lauer's eyes on the Today Show, you must go to school and finish college in order to be a certified therapist. But the PP Guru is not one to lay complete blame on Dr. CruiseFreud- Tom was simply paraphrasing what American criminal Hubbard wrote in HCO Technical Bulletin of July 22, 1956:

This is true -- We now know more about psychiatry than psychiatrists. We can brainwash faster than the Russians (20 secs to total amnesia against three years to slightly confused loyalty. The "we" Hubbard was refering to was to himself and $cientology.

Like The PP Guru was telling you little Darling Dakota: watch the movie Trading Places and you will see for yourself. The PP Guru has alerted all deprogrammers in your vicinity and they are fixed in on your postition. They will rescue you from Tom's evil diabotical clutches.

Well- it looks as if the PP Guru has run out of room and his glassy zen eyes are starting to get a bit droopy- so we will reconvene next week as he needs to go celebrate the July 4th weekend with the rest of the Gurus.

As fermented and freshly bottled to:

~

Coat