GURU: STRANGE UNKNOWN
STIRRINGS BELOW
THE PP GURU'S BELT

So now it comes down to the late summer doom gloom when movie studios are scraping out the bottom of the barrel in a attempt of keeping audiences entralled in believing that most low budget fare can keep the almighty American dollar afloat. August and September are widely known as the months of 'forgettable flick fare'. The only movie from last August that PP Guru has any cognizant retention for is for Alien Vs Predator and even as enjoyable as it was- it was still made on a shoestring budget and was designated to fail. The movie was only made to appease the rabid fanboy who kept pestering Fox year after year to finally make the picture. Fox finally caved in - and said 'OK - we'll make the goddamn picture- we'll put Lance fucking Henriksen in it - we'll give you a hot black chick's booty to stare (even the PP Guru has forgotten her name) at and we 'll give you exploding guts and green ooze that will make you regurgitate your Milk Duds. Now what else do you want? You got it all? Good. NOW LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!! And so it went from there to gross eighty something million dollars world wide.

Seems this August is off to a fairy decent start- Dukes of Hazzard, although based on a tv series about rednecks racing in hot rods is not the PP Guru's cup of hibiscus tea, it seemed successful enough to have kowtowed to the hypocrite Republician in all of us and earned 30 point something million in its' first opening weekend.


Jessica Simpson

The movie features Jessica Simpson in the female lead of Daisy Dukes,of whom the PP Guru hears is on MTV a lot and is married to some soap opera schmuck named Nick something. The PP Guru wishes he could share everyone's else elation that she is in this movie- but guess what? The PP Guru doesn't have MTV - so he is afraid that walking up behind her to raise up her skirt to pull down her pink little panties to have his way with her doesn't really relate to him at all. Would somebody care to comment to the PP Guru as to why she is so hot? Because it looks to him as she is not all that.

Let's see who else is making the PP Guru's tunic flap at too much of a high velocity in the breeze with no tent pole to support it.

Oops- Look, perhaps the PP Guru spoke too hastily ... ???

Last weekend's net gross of John Singleton's new Four Brothers came in at a modest 20 mil and change. When the PP Guru was out visiting Papa Purple Pinup Guru's desert land hacienda out in Las Vegas- PPP Guru asked PP Guru if he would be interested in seeing a movie. The PP Guru told PPP Guru that he didn't come out all the way to Vegas just to see movies (he seems them in Westwood)- he came out to try to legally change his name to Purple Pinup Gambling Guru - but as the PP Guru chronicled in yesterday's entry, that little add on to his moniker had to be put on the backburner once again. Still, the PP Guru was curious as to why the PPP Guru wanted to see a movie so strife with urban conflict, rap songs, and graffitti being masturbated all over the screen - now the PP Guru knows why:

Sofía Vergara



Yep - it's nice to know that the Papa PP Guru can still get aroused in his kidney stone kryptonite occupied world. And here are the cojones to prove it.

Although vastly popular on covers of South American men's magazines- Sofia is better known for resisting the lure of Tom Cruise's scientologist's skin crawling charms before poor Katie fell into his Xemu sprung trap (gentle reminder that this blog was successful in mounting a daring rescue of Dakota Fanning a few months ago).




Now the PP Guru wouldn't mind reaching down her pants to check her oil - seeing how it's at now $67 a barrel, but alas - again, the PP Guru doesn't have the proper research materials on hand with him (including the best in which spy wear gear has to offer in terms of infra red surveillence equipment, maps, and who her boyfriend or toys are) and hasn't seen her in too much of anything, other than a few photos here and there on the newstand rack. Maybe the PP Guru should consult some late night Univision or Telemundo for more graphic information. Or he would probably be better off just checking out the flick itself- it's just that the PP Guru is not a real that much of a Marky Mark Walberg fan.

Rachel McAdams from “Red Eye”

Finally, besides being a beloved critic's darling in such hit movies as The Notebook and Mean Girls- the PP Guru has never heard of Rachel McAdams who seems to be the main focus of director's Wes Craven's muse in his high tension in the sky thriller, Red Eye which opens this Friday. Slightly off the supernatural beaten path from such suspense and horror fare like Nighmare on Elm's Street or Cursed, Craven goes in Hitchcockian overdrive with McAdams as a meekly hotel manger who shares a airplane seat with a highly professional assassin whose target just happens to be her father. Now just what the fucking odds of that ever happening in real life? Skepticism not being on the critic's itinerary, many agree that it delivers genuine shocks and thrills on a psychotic popcorn kernal gagging level. Also stars Cillian Murphy, the Scarecrow from this summer's Batman Begins as the major baddy along with X-Men 2's Brian Cox as McAdams targeted father.

People have told the PP Guru that Rachel is equally incredible in The Wedding Crashers.



But ... The PP Guru doesn't really like movies about weddings or ones with cutesy cuddy romance and comedies that dedicates lots of screen time to face sucking and hugging or any other of that matrimonial mumbo jumbo thrown in. Those are chick flicks, and the PP Guru doesn't do chick flicks.

Unless they have a lot of face time with Sophia Vargas going down to check her oil.

As relayed through his reduction in Viagara medication to:

~ Coat

Guru should change to Cialis - Sparky