MY BALONEY HAS A
FIRST NAME, AND IT' S
... E-L-R-O-N.

While the PP Guru was canvassing last weekend's Los Angeles Times sponsored Festival of Books - he came across some kind of low-key spectacle that was taking place near the set up tent named the Los Angeles Times Stage.

The PP Guru took his sweet ass time browsing through nearly every tent there was- at least the ones that were strategically and placed in the center of the whole hub bub. There were booths upon booths of mystery books, politics (all the Nation mags you can scarf down ) books on Buddha, Self-Realization Fellowship, Latino culture, black culture (the PP Guru just loves to hang with the sistas) , arts & crafts, film, self published student works provided by universitites, and, comics (Hi-De-Ho was present, but sadly Golden Apple was a no-show this year, no doubt to the passing of the very much lamented Bill Liebowitz) etc. Unfortunely, not enough sci-fi was prominent this year. Real sci-fi - not that useless hack shit that L. Ron Hubbard tried to peddle off on the Guru when he was just a teeny tiny sage -ite.


Is the message here
that El Ron got mere Men
to stop wearing such
Jazzy Hats?

The PP Guru got accosted by some of L.Ron's strong armed flunkies while he was about to walk across the street and to see if he could get a decent seat for Kevin Smith's speech. It was sort of like being violated with kindness- they see some poor defendless schmuck passing by and sort of non- chalantly put the gentle squeeze on your shoulder and talk to you in whispers - 'Hey Son, what kind of science fiction do you read? The PP Guru thinking to himself that he had planned a contingency safe word to get out of this encounter if the situation merited, with gusto, says out loud: ' pulps'!

That ought to slow 'em down. El Ron never got around to fondling with the likes of Doc Savage or the Shadow...

Or so The Guru thought. --
(El Ron was originally a hack at the endtimes for the pulps - ask Harlan about it ~ Sparky)

So then these meat head sized intimidating goons then proceed to show the PP Guru these new fangled coffee table sized editions of El Ron's Amazing Stories or Arogosy cover reproductions that must have at least cost fifty or sixty dollars a pop- plus a Church of Scientology donation if properly shook down for it.

The PP Guru broke down and honestly told these tactless thugs that the only 1,000 plus page piece of trash of El Ron's that he ever attempted to read was Battlefield: Earth which he happened to junket about half-way through - and we now all know how much boffo the Church of Science of Bowel Movement Analtogists tried to rake in on that movie franchise - Oh yeah, the PP Guru just bets Mission:Earth, The Invader's Plan is going to do good the most good of any Sci Fi freakie flunkies's wetty trousers just right where it is.... in stinking development hell.

And let it forever rot there.

'Let's face it, boys- you're nothing more than some cranked up devouted stool pigeons paying homage to your one time sugar high- lord and master who sat on nothing more than a stone cold dialysis throne chugging down catcus cooler slurpees day in and day out reaping in the benefits of his dollar wager made with sci-fi writing suckers. So if you don't mind- I'm just browsing.'

In response, all the PP guru got was:

a Blank stare.

Then....

A involuntary flutter of eyelids.

Then after a brief entanglement of silence, the PP Guru mustered his peyote buttered- churned courage and .... "I said, I 'm just browsing.... AND WOULD YOU PLEASE GET YOUR FUCKING MITTS OFF MY SHOULDER?"

Well, that omitted a light response.

The grip released and soon after, as the PP Guru made his waddle across the street- and wouldn't you know it? Meanwhile at another El Ron mind control center (and there were several conveniently located stations spread out throughout other areas of the fairgrounds, just what kind of message is the UCLA campus sending out anyway? That there are El Ron pell grants that can even penetrate these higher halls of academia?- Perhaps, another trap to be sprung- ah, never mind, it's the same old horseshit) he then witnesses another kindred soul experiencing a similar situation.

This anonymous middled-aged paunchy fella took a cell phone picture of some Dianetic doofusses sitting at various tables under tents where they applied electrode devices to finger tips of way out stressed festival goers (yeah, right.). As soon as his built in camera phone flashed, three or four turtlenecked wearing goons flocked to assemble on the guy like a posse of seagulls and demanded, politely of course, not to take anymore pictures. The guy thought it was some type of joke.

So did the PP GURU ..

But then the PP Guru realized these jokers weren't to be fucked with.. so the man with the pouch that looked like as if he were living in pain with a conjoined twin, tried to circumvent his way around them, because, for some unfathomable reason, he wanted to take more pictures of these lethargic saps who fall for this skull -drilling kind of shit- but they kept barricading his path. It grew more irritable from that point that it nearly turned into a shoving match.

Oh boy, a scrape is about to happen and the PP Guru about ready to unsheath his mitts, and join in the fray to kick some major scientogolist ass...until

Goddamn it-

Dead Men Don't Write Crappy Books

It just hit the PP Guru like a Liquid Plumbing Brick.

Irritable bowel syndrome.

Aw fuck, The PP Guru figured getting a little pumped up to hear Kevin Smith spew nothing but equally mind-poisoning soliloquies spruced with obscentities would get all the intestinal nerves a jumping. The PP Guru had to employ emergency manuevers into one of the university building men room's and punish the hell out of his pelvic muscles for eating the goddamn KFC the previous day before.

Interesting question the PP Guru overheard being asked of Messr.Smith from the crowd gathered when he emerged crippled, but yet unscathed from the can:

Do you think the Pope is going fuck things up?



Well, the dude did direct Dogma, after all,- so he would be the man to trust with such a conundrum of a theological stumper.

Kevin Smith didn't have a easy answer. The man has only been in office for four lousy days- you can't expect anything severly problematic to occur within that short amount of time unless, the Pope wakes up one morning and decides to throw out all non-whites out of the Vatican.

The young person from the audience failed to provide one caveat and rectified this little oversight: the pope used to be in the Hitler's Youth Squad.

Well then, Kevin sighed, I guess dreams can come true.

Robert Crais was up next- but he didn't really have a whole lot to say.

The PP Guru does enjoy his books, though. L.A. Requiem kicks major ass.

~ Coat