The Purple Pinup Guru Platform

When purple things are pulsating on your mind, I'm the one whose clock you want to clean. Aiding is Sparky, the Astral Plane Zen Pup Dog from his mountain stronghold on the Northernmost Island of the Happy Ninja Island chain, this blog will also act as a journal to my wacky antics at an entertainment company and the progress of my self published comic book, The Deposit Man which only appears when I damn well feel like it. Real Soon Now.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Welcome to yet another edition of... HALF-ASS! the stunt show that showcases Cary Coatney at his literally best with unpublished manuscripts and drafts in progress.

I apologize for the adrupt post that was previously published - sometimes I feel that I leave my 'verbal advantage' pills at home and sometimes I prematurely press the publish button without a grain of thought whatsoever. Now, with this blog getting some notice, I should exercise some kind of cautionary fact check or a spell check for that matter.

Here, let me make it up to you:

What follows next is the unedited version of my page 31 essay or editorial, take your pick of what will be appearing in my new Deposit Man book. It has taken me a couple of weeks of fact checking and spell checking for that matter to make somewhat 'half ass' professional or presentable. It clocked in at a half page too long - so a lot of this was cut to make it on page using the smallest font possible and utilizing two columns on a Microsoft word program and was cut and pastes from a Yahoo file.

Do I have to tell you everything? Must all my secrets of the craft be purged for public consumption?

But I'm happy with it, and that's all I give a shit about at the moment-

So with warts and all:


That Jesus Christ- I swear, sometimes I think, he's more trouble than his box office net is worth.

In the seven or eight months since our last outing- last issue to be precise, we have since become bombarded with the febrile assorted images of Iraqi prisoner orgies and spectacular pay per view be-headings (that is, if you're a credit card paying IP subscriber) - we have capitulated, or rather resigned to the Christian right wing consensus that our whipping boy Jesus Howard Christ is the one calling the shots around here just slightly ahead of the velvet rope that Bush, Cheney, Rummie, and Ashcroft (it's almost like the new incarnation of the Marx Brothers, doesn't it?) are standing behind waiting to get into the Studio 700 Club so they can dance to their promulgated hearts content in fixing a little addendum here, a little article there to this nation's Constitution or Bill of Rights - and maybe not giving a second thought to concocting such meaningless drivel like the Geneva Convention where we revise the part to apply electrodes to droopy testicles (that are tattooed property of Mohammad) in prisons far, far away in the Middle East galaxy or somewhere off the butt-fuck shore on the Cayman Islands- while our Holy woody head cases make Jesus Christ a nationwide movie star. Or are they merely showing their faces at the club to take advantage of the fried chickenhawk special?

And it's all fucking Mel Gibson's fault, too.

So where the fuck is Allah's multimillion dollar deal? Why isn't his side of the story being talked over cellphones conversations over a Joel Silver or Michael Bay spinach salad power lunch over at the studio's commissary? These destitutes, who pose such a major threat to us, need some capitol compensation too..especially when they're the ones who are supplying all the non-existant wage extras.

Each day, I find it harder and harder to fathom that I'm living the good life in a country that is essentially run by...evil arch-villains. Oh, I have not the whimsical doubt in my mind that they have the more fanatical styled madmen running around amok chopping off Nick Berg heads of lettuce and serving it all up neatly in a Falafel wrap like it's out of style(but then again, we are the ones sneaking in with the hidden cameras to film the prisoner pile -up orgies, that we are led to believe to be far more deadlier than the WMD truckloads we are supposedly on the prowl for- but the Republican porn industry has to eat too, you know.). But now, it's hard to dispute with the rest of the world, that, with chopped off hands down, we are the most despicable, the most clandestine group of smut peddlers the free world has ever known.WE even have Amnesty International up our cattle prodded asses- an organization even as I remember being a young adult was a cause that I used to donate my support to. (man, and I bet that Bruce Springsteen and Peter Gabriel are both ashamed of me right now). This is proof in the pudding that this is the over blown crap we get when we are heartlessly scrupulous enough in trying to install our beliefs, our culture, and our way of government to a bunch of people who couldn't give two shits about us. Once again, it's trying to trade up one fairy tale for another. Don't some of you feel the bile from the forces of evil marshalling against you?

Some on the righteous side will loudly proclaim that we're merely occupiers and not the aggressors, right? Well, try this analogy: What if you were woken up by the sound of a burglar in your house? Wouldn't you do anything.. and I mean anything to protect your house and your family from getting ransacked? And you should keep in mind, most of these Iraqi folks can't afford anything past a steady diet of wish-beans and wonder bread- (i.e; they wish they had beans for dinner and they wonder where the bread is at) Well- this is what we are doing to this air force and naval defenseless (although in some cases, very clever at suicide bombing- talk about a real good game of dodgeball! ) country - we are burglarizing their property - AND NO ONE KNOWS THE REAL REASON WHY IF BUSH KEEPS CHANGING THE REASON WHY EVERY FIVE FUCKING SECONDS! Face it- there's no two ways about it- we are the fifteen stone footers in their guest house gulags, aka what used to be called Saddam Pee Wee Hussein's Playhouse.

And how can we put stock in a douchebag like Bush- who is totally unwatchable for more than five seconds? A president who doesn't even read his daily briefs every morning unless they say fucking 'Fruit of the loom on them? Five seconds of this cowboy impostor who can't own up to the fact that was born and bred in Connecticut, and not Texas as he would led us to believe and you go insane in four and three quarter of a millisecond. You don't need Al Qaida - having Bush take over every major network, including pre-empting an episode of '24 (which I consider more real life and fact based with Dennis Haysbert who plays a more believable charismatic president than this country deserves right now) just to say or to perpetuate....nothing. but to do his horrendous Porky Pig impersonation of the word Abu Gairib. Or for his own comical amusement just to bend down beneath podiums in his mock search for WMDs. But damn, we're going to 'stay the course' in bombing more innocent civilians while he interrupts our daily lives with such fucking petty bullshit and does nothing to change to own up to the accusation that he and his gaggle of thugs have just as much blood on their hands as the Al Qaida Tabernacle Boy Choir- only they possess the magic turpentine to scrub out the oil stains.

And if you dare to go off the grain with the Bush Legion programmed cult of God Fearing Nutfucks - you're instantly cow branded a traitor. From the mouths of Diebold conservative controlled automatons: You...are... unpatriotic. You...are...a anti-American. Go...take your...homosexual...significant....other....and kindly remove...yourself from our.... land of the free and open wide borders (hey guys- OVER HERE! Get your free medical insurance and schooling just for picking strawberries!) - AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM OUR WAL-MARTS!!
And what is so up the ass of these backward propelled nitwits concerning gay marriage? If one man wakes up to the aroma of another man's buttocks in the morning like a another heterosexual couple who wakes up to the smell of Folger's and a Shannon Wheeler comic strip - why should they all get bent out of shape over it? What is it to them ? It's not like they're the not the ones who are in the bedroom with them? More power to the gays. Let them live their fucking lives the way they want do without the scruntization of what it's supposed to say legally on a piece of paper.

You know, it's this day and age that I wish that L Ron Hubbard were still alive making stupid dollar bets with real distinguished science fiction authors on how we were all going to fall for the same trick twice for putting such a monkey face in the White House. It churns the acid up in my stomach and yet it befuddles me at the same time that this was even allowed to happen at all. What evil genius went out of way his to come up with a diabolical master plan that a previously failed president thought it was a good idea that his sperm line would even qualify for running this country when THE SON HAS FAILED AT EVERY THING HE' S EVER DONE? That fucking Doctor Doom- he always swore that he'll get his revenge on us. He has put the master plan in motion by appointing us a president who is nothing but a cheap Chevy Chase chump who does pratfalls off of two wheel bicycles and couches while choking on pretzels.

And I tell you, if we have the same Diebold voting de ja vu as the last time AND if the draft has been reinstated- I tell you, Bush's little drinking daughters and his brother's crackhead prescription forging little rugrat better be the ones leading the charge, alongside OUR sons and daughters- otherwise I'm going north to knock on Larry's door and fork over some of our ACLU spurned GOD ALMIGHTY currency for room and board.
at his place.

Is my time up yet on this ego deflating rant? Because this kind of commentary is really not my field of expertise.

Speaking of Larry, you may or may not have noticed that the artwork is looking a little different in this issue. That's because Larry has a pressing penciling engagement elsewhere and could only fit time to provide us with the layouts. Oliver Simonsen, Masekela Polee, & Alan Sinder both eagerly did fill in penciling and inking duties. I think they all did admirable jobs in keeping up with appearances, and I'm eternally grateful that they believed in continuing on with this project. I'm certain that Larry will be providing most of the artwork for next issue- for the conclusion of THE LAST GREAT GATE OF MORTALITY. You can tune in to my blog for daily updates. The countdown will begin in July when Larry's schedule frees up again.

Cary Coatney - June 7, 2004

Please I implore all your comments.




  • At 10:29 AM , Blogger ZenPupDog said...

    Dude? Chill. Few grok that Nancy Reagan's fluffer past has been glossed over. But rather than merely dance on the grave of a yellow belly mean hearted meat puppet - we can also marvel at where a good blow job can get you. To keep this in context to THE DEPOSIT MAN.

    Go search for ''Gipper the Ripper'' with google. — Selene Walters stated she was raped by Reagan twice and the story was silenced by the FCC of the first Bush Junta.

    If you google "Peter Lawford" and "Nancy Reagan" - you get a useful quote. She did "Uncle Milty" too -- (Seem Uncle Milty came well-hung) Milton had two children from a former showgirl Joyce Matthews, whom he married and divorced twice.  He also had a son named Bill from his third marriage to Ruth Cosgrove. Bill wrote a book. From what I gather, the book was pretty dull, only dishing odd things like the fact that Milton liked to keep a bedpan so he didn’t have to get up at night. The maid would have to clean it in the morning, and he rarely had good aim. Ringading ding. However, the son did say that Milton allegedly had affairs with Marilyn Monroe (she must have been bored), Lucille Ball (they shared their passion for smoking?), Veronica Lake (she could only see half of him), Lana Turner (she was famous for liking 12 inches the hard way), and Hedy Lamarr (hope he locked up the silver). Oh, and Nancy Reagan too. According to Peter Lawford, Nancy gave the best head in Hollywood.

    best, Sparky

  • At 12:47 PM , Blogger Coat said...

    Yeah, but I need to make Harlan proud of me with these mindless incessant rants. Someone has to pick up this hate fuel slack.

    I'm not really ready to jump on the Reagan death machine that quite yet- nine days of headlines should have been condensed down to three - at the max - but speaking if blow jobs: damn didn't Patty Reagan look scrumptious at her daddy's little farewell soirees?
    I sure hope the Bush daughters come partying to their daddy's memorial services in hot mini skirts too. Why is it that imperialist Republicians have the hottest looking daughters?



  • At 9:37 AM , Blogger ZenPupDog said...

    Plastic surgery?
    Barbara Bush looks like freaky George Washington, and the Bush sons all look as if they had different dads...

    And Cary? There's a world of difference between looking hot and being “hot.”

    It's not as if women need qualifiers when you objectify them.
    What's wanted is something utterly different.

    Catch you when you're in Santy Monica.
    Can you tell me why Monica (mum to Saint Augustine — the killer of fun) is a Saint?

    - Sparky

  • At 10:03 AM , Blogger ZenPupDog said...

    Mel Gibson's dad denies the Holocaust because he believes in the doctrine of a hate filled nun. I see him as a American Nazi sympathizer.

    Betcha the apple didn't fall far from the tree in this tight family group. Mel's wife is doomed to Purgatory for being the wrong flavor of Christian.

    ==Hutton Gibson==
    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

    Hutton Gibson (born August 26, 1918) is the father of actor Mel Gibson and a writer on religion. He was born in Peekskill, New York, and served as a US Army Officer during World War II after graduation from an OCS program.

    Following a victory on the Jeopardy! game show, Gibson moved his family to Australia in 1968 in protest against the Vietnam War and because he believed that changes in American society were immoral.

    Gibson is a member of the "traditionalist" Holy Family sect of the Catholic Church, which believes that the Mass should still be said in Latin and that the reforms of the Second Vatican Council are in error. Gibson holds that the Second Vatican Council was a secret anti-Christian plot by both Masons and Jews. Gibson also holds to other conspiracy theories, such as his claim that the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks were not carried out by mostly Saudi Arabian Muslims onboard the plane, but rather were carried out by "remote control" by a different party.

    Gibson denies that the Holocaust occurred; he claims that it is impossible for the Holocaust to have happened, since, in his view, there would be no way to get rid of so many bodies. He claims that "There weren't even that many Jews in all of Europe", and says that there were more Jews in Europe after World War II, statements disputed by all historians (charts of world Jewish population show a steep dip between the 1920s and the 1950s). In support of his father, Mel Gibson claims that his father's beliefs do not amount to Holocaust denial. (Mel Gibson says he will not speak out publicly against his father, which indicates that he might well speak out against him privately.)

    He publishes a quarterly newsletter entitled The War is Now!

    * The Enemy is Here!
    * Is the Pope Catholic?, 1978
    ==The Nun of Passionate Hate: Anne Catherine Emmerich==
    Anne Catherine Emmerich (8 September 1774 - 9 February 1824) was a Catholic Christian Augustinian nun, alleged stigmatic, and ecstatic. She was born in Flamsche, near Coesfeld, in the Diocese of Münster, Westphalia, Germany and died in Dulmen.
    Her parents were very poor. At twelve she was bound out to a farmer, and later was a seamstress for several years. She was sent to study music, but finding the organist's family very poor she gave them the little she had saved to enter a convent, and waited on them as a servant for several years.

    In her twenty-eighth year (1802) she entered the Augustinian convent at Agnetenberg, Dulmen. Her sisters came to believe that she had supernatural powers, mostly as a result of multiple ecstasies she appeared to experience. When Jerome Bonaparte closed the convent in 1812 she found refuge in a widow's house. In 1813 she became bedridden.

    Catholic legend states that she foresaw the downfall of Napoleon twelve years in advance, and that she counseled in a mysterious way the successor of St. Peter.

    As a child she had visons in which she talked with Jesus as a child; the Catholic Church later came to accept her claims as factual, i.e. that she really did have supernatural conversations with Jesus in heaven.

    The sick and poor came to her for help, and according to contemporaries she supernaturally knew what their diseases were, and prescribed infallible cures. There is no documented evidence to support such claims.

    She prayed for the souls of those people who she believed were condemned to Purgatory; she had many episodes in which she claimed to see the souls.

    By 1813 she was confined to bed, and stigmata appeared on her body. While these are now believed, without any basis, to be self-inflicted wounds, the credulous nuns of her convent believed that this was a miracle from God.

    Then followed an Episcopal commission to inquire into her life, and the claims surrounding miraculous signs. The examination was very strict. The vicar-general, the famous Overberg, and three physicians conducted the investigation with scrupulous care and became convinced of the sanctity of the "pious Beguine", as she was called, and the genuineness of the stigmata.

    At the end of 1818 Emmerich claimed God granted her prayer to be relieved of the stigmata, and the wounds in her hands and feet closed, but the others remained, and on Good Friday all were wont to reopen.

    In 1819 Emmerich was investigated again. She was forcibly removed to a large room in another house and kept under the strictest surveillance day and night for three weeks, away from all her friends except her confessor. About this time Klemens Brentano, the famous poet, was induced to visit her; to his great amazement she recognized him, and he claimed she told him he had been pointed out to her as the man who was to enable her to fulfill God's command, namely, to write down for the good of innumerable souls the revelations made to her. He took down briefly in writing the main points, and, as she spoke the Westphalian dialect, he immediately rewrote them in ordinary German. He would read what he wrote to her, and made changes until she gave her complete approval. Brentano became one of Emmerich's many supporters at the time, believing her to be a "chosen bride of Christ".

    ===The Dolorous Passion===

    In 1833 appeared the first-fruits of Brentano's toil, "The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ according to the Meditations of Anne Catherine Emmerich" (Sulzbach). These visions include grotesque anti-Semitic characterizations of Jews.

    Brentano prepared for publication "The Life of The Blessed Virgin Mary", but this appeared at Munich only in 1852. From the MS. of Brentano Father Schmoeger published in three volumes "The Life of Our Lord" (Ratisbon, 1858-80), and in 1881 a large illustrated edition of the same. The latter also wrote her life in two volumes.

    Her visions go into details, often slight, which give them a vividness that strongly holds the reader's interest as one graphic scene follows another in rapid succession as if visible to the physical eye.

    In 2003 actor Mel Gibson wrote and directed a movie, The Passion of Christ, which raised a pre-release contoversy about parts of the screenplay apparently based on Emmerich's meditations on the New Testament.

    Mel didn't get his ass whipped for 12 hours, I pity the actor.

  • At 4:52 PM , Blogger Coat said...

    Yeah- concerning Hutton Gibson- I heard all this gooblygook about him. Here's a excerpt from a article on I think that he and my cousin Caveman, who just happens to be a nursery school teacher and a full pledged KKK member out in Kansas City, Mo should sit down and compare notes with each other one of these days:

    Hutton Gibson's comments, made in a telephone interview with New York radio talk show host Steve Feuerstein, come at an awkward time for the actor-director who has been trying to deflect criticism from Jewish groups that his film might inflame anti-Semitic sentiment.

    In his interview on WSNR radio's Speak Your Piece, to be broadcast on Monday, Hutton Gibson, argued that many European Jews counted as death camp victims of the Nazi regime had in fact fled to countries like Australia and the United States.

    "It's all -- maybe not all fiction -- but most of it is," he said, adding that the gas chambers and crematoria at camps like Auschwitz would not have been capable of exterminating so many people.

    "Do you know what it takes to get rid of a dead body? To cremate it?" he said. "It takes a litre of petrol and 20 minutes. Now, six million of them? They (the Germans) did not have the gas to do it. That's why they lost the war."




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