STRANGE (NOT-SO) STIRRINGS
BELOW THE GURU'S BELT




It's no secret that the PP Guru worships the gine-gines of the token Hollywood elite- the talented gine-gines of the female persuasion, that is- but there are just some gine-gines that cannot be comprehended.

And Paris Hilton is one of those major un-talented gine-gines he refers to.

The PP Guru is perplexed with all the attention and allure that this skinny blond pile of chickenbones gets in the media every single day.

So what if she's a famous heiress of some big wig hotel moguls? BFD!!! The PP Guru has never been a patron of that particular brand of hotels anyway- so does that earn her a free ride to the top of the movie biz rollercoaster and to walk away with a top billing on a movie poster? People strive almost their entire lives going to schools and doing acting workshops and some don't ever emerge from these small dinky rat-infested theaters where they start their first gig at because of some emasculated blonde WHO CUTS IN THE FRONT OF THE LINE OF EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU GET TO USE YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY'S MONEY TO BUY YOU YOUR TALENT YOU WHINING - SOON - TO - BE - USED - UP BITCH!! You are not an actress- DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU...ARE....NOT...AN ACTRESSSSSSSS!!

And that goes to all you dumb ass athletes, too. You're not fucking actors- you're goddamn football players who slide their hands inbetween another guy's legs to pat one's scrotum. Tthere's really no need to expand your horizons.

So when the PP Guru heard from a reliable source that Paris Hilton was going to make a surprise guest appearance at a 'junket' in support of her debut in the remake of Roger Corman's HOUSE OF WAX down at his employer's Ranch Facility - The PP Guru had hightail it down to investigate.

He had to see the myth and legend for himself...

And you wouldn't believe what The PP Guru was led to discover -

It appears that Ms. Hilton suffers through a chronic bout of deal of Acromegaly - an growth hormonal enlargement of feet and hands which is rumored to have been transmitted to her by porno partner, Rick Salomen.

So this hotel heiress/ actress/porno star/singer wannabe is simply allowed to frat around Tinseltown with an incurable diease? Hasn't the movie community suffer enough as it is? Porno stars have to enture STDs pap smears everyday-and she just skates through with barely a Massengill whistle. That's just too much for the PP Guru to settle in the pit of his appendicitis in this Pepto Bismo diarrhea free flowing society of fakes and flakes.

If you can believe it, there's even a blog dedicated to Paris's mutant-sized mitts that even makes Hank McCoy's hands look Palmotive soft.

Unfortunely, the PP Guru had just narrowly just missed the Paris Hilton cash and dash appearance, but luckily he brought down his foresnics kit and was able to make a quick analysis of his evidential findings of what DNA traces she left behind:



There's no doubt in anyone's mind that those hoofs could be big enough to jack off a thoroughbred.

And so in conclusion, We all must work together in humankind to devise an antedote for her ailment before it's too late and then, by any means possible find some charge to incarcerate her for daring to apply a trade that she has no right to apply without the proper training and skill. She will make my employer lose a shitload of money and the PP Guru takes it personally when things at his favorite movie studio in the whole wide world blow up around him.

But perhaps she can save us all:



If saving Keifer Sutherland week after week wasn't enough as it is.

~ Coat