CARY COATNEY VS PEPE LE PEW

I've got a skunk infestation problem at my house.

For the past few months- the Dragon Lady's natural born daughter (as opposed to the ones she has adopted) Vanessa was told that she couldn't keep her two cats at her new apartment by her landlord- so the best recourse of action for her was to bring them over to the house and have them live in the backyard. At first the cats were freaked out, and one immediately ran away- but managed to come back because, I guess he missed his 'brother'. Vanessa was told she would have to supply their own food - because my cat, Nikita has her own food and amenities and has the freedom to do whatever she damn well pleases- so if they get in her way- she's bound to kick ass and believe me, she can take on these two big galoots- I've seen her in action and she strikes faster than a slithering eel.

I wasn't keen on the idea- I mean, these cats were once indoor cats, and now they have to fend for themselves in the great outdoors- but as time went on- they've adapted and sometimes they sneak in the house to curl up on the couch or something- just as long as they don't get in Nikita's way, they're fine. I've gotten used to them too, and I've grown particularly fond of the black one with the white belly and feet. The other one, whose name is Seven is still a pisser- he doesn't allow anyone to go near her even if you're bringing food- she bolts over a Tiki statue that we have in our pool area and leaps over the fence to the neighbor's yard- but the black one will at least stick around to see what you're really up to and anxiously awaits to feast each and every time- which means more food for her.

Or so I thought.

Lately, it seems that the whole cat community in Sherman Oaks knows when I leave food out (particularly this one dark black cat who leads the pack whose face I want so badly to smash in. I once caught him trying to scarf my cat's supply inside the house. Fucker bit me on the hand too trying to chase him out.) and they hide in the trees and under the barbecue grill staking the place out just to run off with some of the bland tasting Purina Cat Chow (well, the stuff looks inferior to what I feed Nikita- I'm not too sure on the taste). The grub stealing really intensifies when I put out the wet stuff, that fights have literally broken out between our 'guests' and the unwelcomed feline committee- now I can throw in a family of skunks into the mix.

Skunks are not unusual in my area- although they are known all over the world - some have not seen them up close. The people who were visiting at the house from the U.K last week have never seen one before until they saw one feasting on one of the cat bowls. They usually come out at night like the rest of the delinquent scavengers - but this one who made itself a 'uninvited guest' has been bold enough to be seen just as the sun is going down. And you would think by the way he is behaving, that he's just one of the boys trying to get it's fair share. A little too much, I might add. This skunk goes strolling in like he owns the place, and the cats are smart enough to get out of it's way, cause I'd imagine they would know what would happen if they choose to fuck around with it. The skunk will approach the food bowl a different way from the way cats eat. The skunk actually will scoop food out of the bowl with its' paws and eat it off the ground- Even though, I find this all entertaining to observe, I've beginning to notice that Pepe will try to 'hog' all the food for himself and frankly, I have to start putting my foot down.

Last Sunday night around 11 o'clock, I went swimming in the pool and spotted the skunk going at it again, with the cats idly standing by hoping they will be a crumb left for them to skirmish over. The skunk paused and walked over to the pool to take a drink- little knowing that I was on the opposite end hiding behind some plants whose vines happen to extend over the water.

I thought it would be fun to go over and sneak up and splash the shit out of it. Using some stealthly dog paddle method I devised to sneak up on all my underwater enemies- I went about half way until Pepe caught on to the game - and immediately turn itself around preparing itself to spray.

I ducked underwater and swam back, then ran back inside the house and locked all the friggin' doors.

Not one of my best ideas.

Last night, the skunk brought over some of his party guests (Pepe, party of three?) and I had to spend a good portion of the twilight hours chasing them off by tossing shit off the roof and out of bedroom windows (like rolled up paper bags). They weren't getting the message and so I had to resort to picking up a few broom handles and hurling 'em like javelins- but I was careful enough not to hit any of them. I mean, skunks are beautiful animals and l really have no desire to hurt (I like the raccoons too, but they are only interested in the grapevines growing on the roof of the house), but those cats have got to come first and they're going to have to simply learn how to wait their turn.

The good fight for proper wild animal etiquette rages on.

~

Coat