STUPID CELEBRITY PILE UP

Fucking around on the internet again as I try to make sense of the direction that life is pelting me with.
Had a major sinus infection over the weekend and I'm up to 60 or 70 percent capacity- but I'm dedicating my writing time to polishing off my e-mail newsletter that I have to take over to Kinko's and have links shackled to it:

So legend has it at APE X this past Febuary, both Harris_O'Malley and JIMMASSEY dared to tamper with the forces of the supernatural by digging out their Ouija boards and held a seance to provoke the waking of the spirit of Cary Coatney who fell victim to a Delphiforum suicide just a short month ago.

Little did they know that when they summoned Cary, they interrupted him during in the middle of his most scrupulous and effervescent quest. Just when it was in within his grasp....he lost sight of placing a faithful touch on the fabric of the afterlife's most precious holy grail....

.....NATALIE WOOD'S UNDERPANTS.

Now forcibly brought back as a apparition to be subjected to further pelts of rotted fruit and huge oversized medicine balls....GREAT COATNEY'S GHOST has now come back to challenge your precious egocentric little minds in a quick game of wits he calls...

STUPID CELEBRITY PILE UP.
Yes- it's celebrities caught in are their most vile and dastardly unceremonious common day bout brushes with stupidity culled from the best of what tabloid internet websites have to offer.

However, there is a catch...

I will present you with six stories. Five of them are true. One of them is not.
You will have to guess which one is not.

Or GREAT COATNEY'S GHOST will come to haunt you again.

Hurry up, eternal rest doesn't have all day, you know...


Story # 1

<< Love Gets Trial Date Troubled rocker Courtney Love will face trial on a misdemeanor drug charge on March 16 - under the guidance of new lawyer Michael Rosenstein. The singer, 39, arrived at the Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday and told Judge Patricia Schnegg she had fired her previous attorney as "he wanted me to plead guilty to something I didn't do." Now Love - who has lost custody of daughter Frances Bean Cobain after being charged - has pleaded innocent to that charge and two other felony counts of unlawful possession of prescription painkillers. The trial relates to an incident on October 2 when she allegedly tried to break into ex-love Jim Barber's Los Angeles home under the influence of a controlled substance. Although Love was due to be tried this week, Judge Schnegg reluctantly allowed to delay the case so Rosenstein can familiarize himself with the details of the case. Love told reporters outside the courthouse she hired Rosenstein "because he's cute". >>

Story # 2

<< Courteney Cox, 39, ate so much at L.A.'s Cafe Midi on Jan. 26 that hubby David Arquette, 32, teased her that she's probably having twins or triplets! The couple, expecting this summer, ordered four salads and four plates of sandwiches for just the two of them. Wearing a baby-blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans that subtly showed off her baby bump, Cox was affectionate toward her hubby, clad in a red-checked western shirt.>>

Story # 3

<< Actor and producer Shaun Cassidy was involved in a three car pile up at the security gate of Warner Brothers Studio. Although Cassidy did not receive a citation from the police, the accident is still being sorted out. A security guard was trapped between two cars and suffered a broken leg in the accident.>>

Oooooo, isn't that scary kids? Maybe poor Shaun got a little touch of American Gothic there, huh ?

Anyway, on to Story # 4

<<Alfred Gough and Mike Tollin, two executive producers from the WB hit tv show, Smallville are pursuing former Lois Lane actress, Margot Kidder to appear on a episode for the fourth season. Kidder, 55, would portray Ursa Carver, the mysterious daughter of clairvoyant Cassandra Carver who met a sudden end after revealing the destiny of a young Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) in the first season episode, Hourglass . Ursa comes to the town of Smallville to investigate what happened to her mother in the nursing home and to make Lex's life unbearable. However, Kidder is balking at the idea, after to what she refers to in the script, entitled Mental, 'of having my character stalking the citizens of Smallville and crouching in behind bushes and snatching home baked apple pies from open kitchen window sills. That whole scenerio sort of churns up some bad memories for me. I hope the writers do a little tweaking on it', said the strabismal actress. In response, Gough and Tollin are willing to pledge airtime and a donation in her name towards the Pfeiffer Treatment Center, a special lab dedicated to the research of the treatment of chemical imbalances in the similar fashion that was negotiated for Christopher Reeve's Paralysis Foundation last season when he guest starred on a episode. Christopher Reeve is set to reprise his role as the Stephen Hawkings inspired Dr. Virgil Swann in the April 14th episode, Legacy. Kidder is currently in negotiations, according to her publicist.>>

Story # 5

<< Stuttering John Melendez is leaving the Howard Stern radio show to become the new announcer on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno." He'll replace Ed Hall, who left the show to pursue acting. "I'm leaving because the money is a lot better, and I always wanted to be in Los Angeles," Melendez said yesterday. "I would eventually like to get a sitcom, to be in a sitcom, and acting has been real important to me." For Melendez, whose real-life stuttering provided Stern with comedic material on a nearly daily basis, the late-night TV gig is the latest chapter in an unlikely rise to stardom. Melendez has been part of Stern's morning antics for 15 years, after starting out as an unknown lackey. He's best known for firing ridiculous - often controversial and sexually suggestive - questions at such unsuspecting celebrities as Yogi Berra and Chevy Chase. He's parlayed being the on-scene buffoon into a disk jockey gig at Stern's home station WXRK (92.3 FM), as well as a band and a stint on ABC's reality series "Help, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." His role on the ABC series led to a guest appearance on "Tonight," leading to the new job. Over the weekend, Melendez dropped the bomb about his leaving on Stern. The popular radio host was gracious, he said. "I got choked up, he was very happy for me," Melendez said. "He said, 'Let's go celebrate.' We all went to Atlantic City." For Leno, he adds a character with a built-in following to the show, rather than breaking in a new star. Meanwhile, Stern has been off this week, so listeners have yet to hear his reaction, though Melendez promises that it should be "a great week of radio" when they return on Monday. Likewise, Stern's frequent on-air rants about wanting to leave radio when his contract expires played into Melendez's decision. "Howard's been saying he's leaving, and now it's a year and a half," Melendez said. "I have to think about what I'm going to do....I don't want to wait. It definitely had a lot to do with it. As soon as we got down to two years, I started to get nervous." Melendez will lose the "Stuttering John" moniker for Leno's show, and he's been working with an announcing coach in preparation for his start next month. He'll move his wife and two children there in July, and maybe expand the family. "I've got two kids, hopefully I can talk my wife into a third," he said. "The Puerto Rican side in me wants 12. My wife's Jewish, she wants two. Three is the most I can hope for." >>

And finally kiddies, I saved the best for last Story # 6:
< Jethro Tull has had a sex-change operation to become a woman, it was revealed today.

David Palmer, the band’s 66-year-old ex-keyboard player, has swapped his trademark beard for long blonde hair and make-up and is now called Dee. She is recording her first solo album.

The former soldier in the Royal Horse Guards said that she had “felt like this since the age of three” but that it was only since the death of wife Margaret nine years ago that the feelings were pursued.

She told the Daily Mirror: “I want to be judged on my musical ability alone, and nothing else.

“It’s not just wimps who want to do this. To be a girl, it goes a lot deeper than that.”

The guiding force behind Jethro Tull – Ian Anderson – released a statement, saying he hoped fans would accept Dee as a woman.

“I have known for the past two years of David Palmer’s intention to undergo gender-changing procedures and, like many other people who have known David for three decades as a bearded, pipe-smoking man’s man, I found it difficult to understand at first,” he said.

“But I fully support his decision to undertake a new life as a woman.

“To the many fans of Jethro Tull, I can only offer that they should accept Dee Palmer for her new persona and hope that they enjoy her musical activities in the future.”

He added: “The moment when the new Palmer identity was revealed to me was when the then, still David, phoned me to say ‘Ian, there’s something I need to get off my increasingly ample chest’.” >>


But chances are, I'll still find NATALIE WOOD'S UNDERPANTS before he does. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.I'm a ghost goddamn it, I'm allowed to laugh like that.

Anyway blame Harris and Jim Massey, they put me up to it.

Now, if you excuse I think the Spirit Movie Channel is now showing the RESURECTION OF PETER PROUD tonight somewhere in my abode in the astral plane.

Boo.

~

GREAT COATNEY'S GHOST!!!