(another edition of HALF-ASS!)
(The following is a little parody on the syndicated Saturday afternoon series, Mutant X . I was flabbergasted to find that it has a incredible fan base on the net and that some of the homemade pages actually have a page dedicated to...fan fiction. Oh Harry Pothead be praised! I thought this would be a golden opportunity to lay waste to these silly morons who do nothing to benefit mankind except to jack off to the sight of Victoria Pratt on the net and show them how a real episode would play out if I were story editor ! This also serves as my next to last post on the Skate Jesus forum.)
The team has returned home to Sanctuary after administering the coup d'etat to the evil genetic mutant scientist Mason Eckhart and his genetic control lab called Genomex where he performed awful ghastly experiments on mutants. However, their victory didn't come without a price.
In this opening scene, the lightning welder known as Brennan notices his teammate Jesse who has the power to solidify or turn his body intangible has a glazed blank look on his face as if he just got done chewing on a plastic flash bulb, but nonetheless reeks of woefulness. Brennan has just about had enough of Jesse's doldrum demeanor and decides to snap him out of it.
BRENNAN: What's with the long puss?
JESSE: She's gone, Brennan. What the hell am I going to do?
JESSE: What you mean, who? Emma, who else?
BRENNAN: That skank? Dude, get a grip- she wasn't a very tidy chick. I mean, she left like twenty bottles of Massengill's all over the freakin' bathroom. You would think what the hell was she doing by herself on all those Friday nights? Probably trying to cop a buzz if you ask me.
JESSE: How can you say that? She was our telepath for cripessakes. She was practually like a kid sister-
BRENNAN: Dude, she was like a walking harbinger of embarrassing leaks and odors. Her moist trail was glowing so much that Adam nearly had to call in a Hazmat team. Why this sudden guilt, Jess Were you, like, f**king her?
JESSE: Well, no- but I thought we were supposed to look out after each ...
BRENNAN: Well you thought wrong. Now, let's drydock the heavy emotional baggage and get ourselves focused, ok? I mean C'mon, dude - focus! What am I holding in my hand here?
JESSE: It looks like Mason Eckhart's wig.
BRENNAN: That's right. And what are we supposed to be doing with this...this...(flicks it out of his hand unto the lab counter. Wipes his hand on his jogging suit and flashes a repulsive look) this ass tribble?
JESSE: Well, I believe a curator for the Jon Pertwee Foundation for Historical Awfully Bad Wigs called about a missing exhibit.
BRENNAN: Mucho correcto! Ship the goddamn thing back to the Jon Pertwee Foundation for Historical Awfully Bad Wigs or burn the friggin' thing! Let's not torture our viewers any longer than we have to.
JESSE: Speaking of torture- Shalimar just walked in.
BRENNAN: Oh Christ - I'd better go talk to her. Try to weasel my way out of what I did while the show was on hiatus last summer.
JESSE: Dude, everyone knows what you did last summer.
BRENNAN: Quiet! Why don't you go out and get yourself rock hard or something.
Brennan saunters over to Shalimar sitting by herself on the davenport.
SHAILMAR: Hey yourself.
BRENNAN: Bad break about Adam, huh?
SHAILMAR: Yeah, I guess he got let go of his contract. Surely, we're mature enough to no longer be needing a chaperone.
BRENNEN: Yeah, so how was your summer vacation?
SHAILMAR: I imagine not as good as yours' was.
BRENNAN: What you mean?
SHAILMAR: C'mon, Brennan. What, you think I don't have HBO?
SHAILMAR: Don't play coy with me, Bren. I can still smell Kim Cattrall's stink all over you. You seem to forget that I'm a feral?
BRENNAN: What? That Sex in the City gig? Shal, that was supposed to be my stand-in! Besides, what about the covers on all those T & A mags you do, like Maxim and FHM? You're always getting together with that mutant photographer buddy of yours. You know the one I'm talking about? The guy with the x-ray powers? I think he's seeing more outside the box....
SHALIMAR: Don't even go there, Bren-
BRENNAN: Yeah, right- like I've haven't seen you coming home looking a little damp around the middle-
Shalimar gets pissed. Her eyes flicker in a yellowish glow and a growl gurgles from her throat.
BRENNAN: Oh shit-
But just as Shalimar is prepping up to perform a major vasectomy by the looks of her claws tensing up to slice the crotch of Brennan's 501 Fly jeans, another icy sultry feminine voice suddenly distracts from performing the dangerous procedure.
LEXA: *Ahem* Sorry to interrupt you guys during a high point in your incestuous affair, but I'm hoping you guys wouldn't -
BRENNAN AND SHALIMAR: Who the hell are you?
LEXA: Well, I'm the new bitch taking over from Adam. And we have to discuss some new ground rules around here.
BTW, My name is Lexa. Lexa Pierce.
( nods to Jesse seen noodling on the internet)
And you must be Jesse. What are you up to on that computer?
JESSE: Well, I'm getting set to send out a massive spam advertising my homemade penile impants. You know, I can make myself rock hard at will--
LEXA: That's nice. (back to Shalimar and BRENNAN) Listen guys. I have news of a potential threat that Adam may or may not left you out of the loop about .
BRENNAN: If you're talking about that senior citizen mutant menace whose powers of infanticide powers went leaking out of control, all we had to do was raid Eckhart's warehouse supply of Depends. I wish we had thought of it before he went racing his Cadillac down the Santa Monica 3rd St promenade.
LEXA: No, not that. This is real big matter of dire consequence - but not as big of a whopper than those awful pictures of Halle Berry in a Catwoman outfit that's been circulating on the net lately...
SHALIMAR: What could be more devastating than a grown elderly man shitting in his pants while he's plowing his car into a crowd of mall shoppers?
LEXA: Um, a lawsuit?
BRENNAN: Who would want to sue us?
LEXA: Well, it looks like Adam didn't implement a contingency measure against Fox/Newscorp wanting all your hides.
You see it's like this- Marvel Comics contacted Tribune Entertainment and asked them if they would be interested in acquiring rights for a live action series based on the 'X-Men' -
JESSE: Yeah, but we're not the X-Men. We're Mutant X. We're based on a defunct X-Men spin-off title that starred Havok, who happens to be Cyclops's brother. The comic book series fizzled within a year.
BRENNAN: Zip it, Jesse. Too much information.
LEXA: Well it appears, that Marvel conned Tribune in using clips from the X-Men movie franchise to sell this piss poor excuse of a syndicated series to all potential buyers believing that it had some connection to that movie. But then, faster than Professor X can hook his scrotum up to Cerebro, Fox then filed a suit against Marvel and Tribune alleging that the characters in the TV series were identical to those in the X-Men.
SHALIMAR: How can that be? Brennan is no Hugh Jackson, and Jesse is certainly no Nighcrawler. No one in the movie including Anna Paquin has a more shapely ass than I do. I've got more curves going for me than the New Jersey Turnpike.
LEXA: As a result of Fox's litigation, Tribune discovered that Marvel was stiffing them and misrepresented the terms of the conditions between Marvel and Fox. Had Tribune had known of the shady dealings, it would not have entered into the Deal Memorandum and blew it's budgeted load on the development, production and exploitation of Mutant X.
JESSE: Man, those Marvel guys really suck ass. They and all those movie deals go together like chalk and cheese. It was a good thing that Howard Chaykin got out when he did...
BRENNAN: Jess- geez, what does it take to shut your freakin' gob?
LEXA: Tribune has gone on record to say that due to Fox's litigation, that they have to change the content, marketing, and promotion of Mutant X. These changes have caused Tribune to lose millions of dollars on the production and distribution of the series that the series has accumulated to date.
SHALIMAR : Yeah, but as a result, we have all these cool new post production gadgets like those synchronized split screens that shows all the action taking place simultaneously - just like they do on '24'.
BRENNAN: And they ripped off that motif from that Mike Figgis movie, Timecode - it's just the chic thing to do these days.
JESSE: Well guys, I think the obvious solution to all our problems is to simply think up of a new name for ourselves.
LEXA: And what would that be? I'll make sure to bring it to the Dominion's attention-
JESSE: It's simple, since we practically live seven months out of the year to shoot this show in butt-f**k freezin' Toronto- out of respect for Canadians everywhere- I suggest we change our names to...
BRENNAN: Jess, I'm going to come over there any second and knock all your goddamn teeth out.
JESSE: Man Brennan, are you wound up over nothing- talk about the SKATE JESUS Inquisition...
And it is then when the door bursts wide open and OEVENSIII, BRENDAN516, LORNALM, JILLALLYN, CHARLIECHU and SIRSCOTTIE come exploding through the garbed in shimmering red robed cloaks looking a lot a bunch of blood soaked matadors. The leader of the pack speaks up and points an accusatory finger at the four quarreling mutants:
OEVENSIII: d00ds - NO ONE EXPECTS THE SKATE JESUS INQUISITION!!
BRENNAN: Oh good. Hold on a second and I'll go fetch my speedos.
What will happen to our heroes? Will BRENDAN516 set the legal record straight? Do we find out if Lexa shops through the Victoria Secret catalog or does she prefer Fredericks of HOLLYWOOD? Plus - the great pulse pounding answer will be at last revealed - which is the greater of two evils- the Super Bowl half time show or Cary Coatney himself?
TO BE CONTINUED....