I apologize for the adrupt post that was previously published - sometimes I feel that I leave my 'verbal advantage' pills at home and sometimes I prematurely press the publish button without a grain of thought whatsoever. Now, with this blog getting some notice, I should exercise some kind of cautionary fact check or a spell check for that matter.
Here, let me make it up to you:
What follows next is the unedited version of my page 31 essay or editorial, take your pick of what will be appearing in my new Deposit Man book. It has taken me a couple of weeks of fact checking and spell checking for that matter to make somewhat 'half ass' professional or presentable. It clocked in at a half page too long - so a lot of this was cut to make it on page using the smallest font possible and utilizing two columns on a Microsoft word program and was cut and pastes from a Yahoo file.
Do I have to tell you everything? Must all my secrets of the craft be purged for public consumption?
But I'm happy with it, and that's all I give a shit about at the moment-
So with warts and all:
>"YOU SAY JESUS, AND I SAY 'HEY ZEUS - HOW ABOUT IF WE JUST CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF?' "
That Jesus Christ- I swear, sometimes I think, he's more trouble than his box office net is worth.
In the seven or eight months since our last outing- last issue to be precise, we have since become bombarded with the febrile assorted images of Iraqi prisoner orgies and spectacular pay per view be-headings (that is, if you're a credit card paying IP subscriber) - we have capitulated, or rather resigned to the Christian right wing consensus that our whipping boy Jesus Howard Christ is the one calling the shots around here just slightly ahead of the velvet rope that Bush, Cheney, Rummie, and Ashcroft (it's almost like the new incarnation of the Marx Brothers, doesn't it?) are standing behind waiting to get into the Studio 700 Club so they can dance to their promulgated hearts content in fixing a little addendum here, a little article there to this nation's Constitution or Bill of Rights - and maybe not giving a second thought to concocting such meaningless drivel like the Geneva Convention where we revise the part to apply electrodes to droopy testicles (that are tattooed property of Mohammad) in prisons far, far away in the Middle East galaxy or somewhere off the butt-fuck shore on the Cayman Islands- while our Holy woody head cases make Jesus Christ a nationwide movie star. Or are they merely showing their faces at the club to take advantage of the fried chickenhawk special?
And it's all fucking Mel Gibson's fault, too.
So where the fuck is Allah's multimillion dollar deal? Why isn't his side of the story being talked over cellphones conversations over a Joel Silver or Michael Bay spinach salad power lunch over at the studio's commissary? These destitutes, who pose such a major threat to us, need some capitol compensation too..especially when they're the ones who are supplying all the non-existant wage extras.
Each day, I find it harder and harder to fathom that I'm living the good life in a country that is essentially run by...evil arch-villains. Oh, I have not the whimsical doubt in my mind that they have the more fanatical styled madmen running around amok chopping off Nick Berg heads of lettuce and serving it all up neatly in a Falafel wrap like it's out of style(but then again, we are the ones sneaking in with the hidden cameras to film the prisoner pile -up orgies, that we are led to believe to be far more deadlier than the WMD truckloads we are supposedly on the prowl for- but the Republican porn industry has to eat too, you know.). But now, it's hard to dispute with the rest of the world, that, with chopped off hands down, we are the most despicable, the most clandestine group of smut peddlers the free world has ever known.WE even have Amnesty International up our cattle prodded asses- an organization even as I remember being a young adult was a cause that I used to donate my support to. (man, and I bet that Bruce Springsteen and Peter Gabriel are both ashamed of me right now). This is proof in the pudding that this is the over blown crap we get when we are heartlessly scrupulous enough in trying to install our beliefs, our culture, and our way of government to a bunch of people who couldn't give two shits about us. Once again, it's trying to trade up one fairy tale for another. Don't some of you feel the bile from the forces of evil marshalling against you?
Some on the righteous side will loudly proclaim that we're merely occupiers and not the aggressors, right? Well, try this analogy: What if you were woken up by the sound of a burglar in your house? Wouldn't you do anything.. and I mean anything to protect your house and your family from getting ransacked? And you should keep in mind, most of these Iraqi folks can't afford anything past a steady diet of wish-beans and wonder bread- (i.e; they wish they had beans for dinner and they wonder where the bread is at) Well- this is what we are doing to this air force and naval defenseless (although in some cases, very clever at suicide bombing- talk about a real good game of dodgeball! ) country - we are burglarizing their property - AND NO ONE KNOWS THE REAL REASON WHY IF BUSH KEEPS CHANGING THE REASON WHY EVERY FIVE FUCKING SECONDS! Face it- there's no two ways about it- we are the fifteen stone footers in their guest house gulags, aka what used to be called Saddam Pee Wee Hussein's Playhouse.
And how can we put stock in a douchebag like Bush- who is totally unwatchable for more than five seconds? A president who doesn't even read his daily briefs every morning unless they say fucking 'Fruit of the loom on them? Five seconds of this cowboy impostor who can't own up to the fact that was born and bred in Connecticut, and not Texas as he would led us to believe and you go insane in four and three quarter of a millisecond. You don't need Al Qaida - having Bush take over every major network, including pre-empting an episode of '24 (which I consider more real life and fact based with Dennis Haysbert who plays a more believable charismatic president than this country deserves right now) just to say or to perpetuate....nothing. but to do his horrendous Porky Pig impersonation of the word Abu Gairib. Or for his own comical amusement just to bend down beneath podiums in his mock search for WMDs. But damn, we're going to 'stay the course' in bombing more innocent civilians while he interrupts our daily lives with such fucking petty bullshit and does nothing to change to own up to the accusation that he and his gaggle of thugs have just as much blood on their hands as the Al Qaida Tabernacle Boy Choir- only they possess the magic turpentine to scrub out the oil stains.
And if you dare to go off the grain with the Bush Legion programmed cult of God Fearing Nutfucks - you're instantly cow branded a traitor. From the mouths of Diebold conservative controlled automatons: You...are... unpatriotic. You...are...a anti-American. Go...take your...homosexual...significant....other....and kindly remove...yourself from our.... land of the free and open wide borders (hey guys- OVER HERE! Get your free medical insurance and schooling just for picking strawberries!) - AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM OUR WAL-MARTS!!
And what is so up the ass of these backward propelled nitwits concerning gay marriage? If one man wakes up to the aroma of another man's buttocks in the morning like a another heterosexual couple who wakes up to the smell of Folger's and a Shannon Wheeler comic strip - why should they all get bent out of shape over it? What is it to them ? It's not like they're the not the ones who are in the bedroom with them? More power to the gays. Let them live their fucking lives the way they want do without the scruntization of what it's supposed to say legally on a piece of paper.
You know, it's this day and age that I wish that L Ron Hubbard were still alive making stupid dollar bets with real distinguished science fiction authors on how we were all going to fall for the same trick twice for putting such a monkey face in the White House. It churns the acid up in my stomach and yet it befuddles me at the same time that this was even allowed to happen at all. What evil genius went out of way his to come up with a diabolical master plan that a previously failed president thought it was a good idea that his sperm line would even qualify for running this country when THE SON HAS FAILED AT EVERY THING HE' S EVER DONE? That fucking Doctor Doom- he always swore that he'll get his revenge on us. He has put the master plan in motion by appointing us a president who is nothing but a cheap Chevy Chase chump who does pratfalls off of two wheel bicycles and couches while choking on pretzels.
And I tell you, if we have the same Diebold voting de ja vu as the last time AND if the draft has been reinstated- I tell you, Bush's little drinking daughters and his brother's crackhead prescription forging little rugrat better be the ones leading the charge, alongside OUR sons and daughters- otherwise I'm going north to knock on Larry's door and fork over some of our ACLU spurned GOD ALMIGHTY currency for room and board.
at his place.
Is my time up yet on this ego deflating rant? Because this kind of commentary is really not my field of expertise.
Speaking of Larry, you may or may not have noticed that the artwork is looking a little different in this issue. That's because Larry has a pressing penciling engagement elsewhere and could only fit time to provide us with the layouts. Oliver Simonsen, Masekela Polee, & Alan Sinder both eagerly did fill in penciling and inking duties. I think they all did admirable jobs in keeping up with appearances, and I'm eternally grateful that they believed in continuing on with this project. I'm certain that Larry will be providing most of the artwork for next issue- for the conclusion of THE LAST GREAT GATE OF MORTALITY. You can tune in to my blog for daily updates. The countdown will begin in July when Larry's schedule frees up again.
Cary Coatney - June 7, 2004
Please I implore all your comments.