IN THE CRAZINESS OF POWER

ITEM! It seems it's not definite that I'm fully out of the house yet. The guy who maybe be buying the old house has trouble securing the loan. So, it's not official whether I'm moving out or not- although plans are implemented to help Obi-Wan Dan and the Dragon Lady move their stuff up to their retirement home in Las Vegas (another couple caught up in the migration fever just like my dad, my stepmother and aunt did). The plan calls for me to rent a new storage space close to the house and close down the old one out in buck fuck Northridge (not a easy place for me to get to by transit in the Valley - I have one out there because I used to rent a house nearby over twelve years ago) so I can combine it with the new one - plus leave room to store Obi-Wan Dan's insurance office file cabinets and watch over them for a period of four or five years until the statue of limitations at least runs out or whatever the fuck the state of California says you have to do with expired insurance records.

Then sometime in April after they have the big estate sale, me and Becky's (former Deposit Man editor) husband are going to drive up with a U-Haul truck to the retirement condo in Vegas and unload whatever needs unloading and both of us are going to impose on my dad to crash at his place before Obi-Wan Dan puts us back on a plane to the Valley where we will resume our mundane existences and resume with the packing and go where we have to go. I don't know why I'm putting myself through this rigorous routine- maybe it's because deep down, I feel as though they're my surrogate family and if it wasn't for them, I'd probably still be at the drawing board with my self publishing Deposit Man venture with nowhere to go.

This leaves me in a conundrum in searching for low rent housing, so I can keep meeting my goals. I'm hoping the light at the end of the tunnel will be the inclusion of adding the Deposit Man solicitation in the Diamond Previews catalog after I get The Last Great Gate of Mortality Act 2 off the press plus a good amount if work done on Act 3. All I know, it's a race against time and now would be a good time for a certain family member who says she owes me some money to give me that certain financial boost, or I'm going to have to resort to hanging my feet up at weekly hotels until things get done. I have been exploring the options of either the $ 300 or 400 a month range in places that are usually rare occurrences in my neighborhood (anywhere else is just not safe enough or too dodgy looking), if one is patient, one or two will creep by.

ITEM! A couple of weeks back, just at the height of the hoopla concerning the Mel glibbness of Passion of the Christ , I was gung ho on going to see it, thinking it would be a good chaser after seeing the remake of Dawn of the Dead or Secret Window sandwiched in between - but unfortunate some incident which occurred on a MTA bus a couple of Fridays ago convinced me that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. For the past twelve years since I've been living in and out of the San Fernando Valley, and the years that I've been taking public transportation, I've had a few select run ins with the same motley crew of eccentric individuals - one who stands out in particular, it seems every time we run into each other, we're always engage in shouting matches above the roar of the bus engine. And the reason why? This smelly fat fuck who hops on board (usually somewhere on Ventura Blvd - but for some inexplicable reason- he just happened to be in front of the Warner Bros Ranch Facility and I don't think he was there to protest the cancellation of Angel like the rest of the schmoes I've been seeing lately) the bus usually always has a napsack full of stupid handmade religious pamphlets and nearly 90 per cent of the time he always comes up to me to specifically shove one in my face (after he asks me if I prefer English or do I prefer the one in Spanish?). Of course, at first I politely refuse - 'cause I count on this douchebag's loss of memory after the countless times I've confronted him, he seems to forget all the times we've clashed in the past- including the time that an old high school buddy of mine and I went and tossed the leftovers we had in a bag from In 'n Out Burger at his face. But when I do refuse to take his cheap ass Kinko's flyers advertising Jesus Saves and whoever gives a flying fuck about the second coming - he throws a cheap shot at me and profoundly announces in a voice that everyone can hear that I'll be acquiring a one way ticket to hell at the almighty's expense. This time, he didn't have a clever comment to say and instead went around the rest of the bus passing out his wares. So I opened up to where I left over in this Caleb Carr novel I'm trying to finish and no sooner do I find my page - boom, a goddamn flyer is smushed in my face. I look up and there's fat fuck with his molar missing grin and I have no recoarse but to propel myself into wiseass mode:

I calmly reach out to shake his hand and I feign a confession of my sins.

I say: Hey, you know something, I got to fess up - I admit, I did talk to Jesus last night.

And of course, this affirmation piques his curiosity and the hole of those missing molars grow wider and wider. Eh, he thinks he's on a winning streak.

'Well, yeah, he told me to give you a message.

I can almost spot a wet spot growing around his zipper - not that I was really checking, mind you. It's the stench of his breath, you understand that is appalling to face. Now he looks as if he's at the point of world dominance.

"Yeah mac, he told me to tell you to go fuck yourself if you stick that fucking Watchtower propaganda bullshit in my face ever again- NOW SIT THE FUCK DOWN OR I'M GOING TO SHOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM UP YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS!!

I think by this point, I've got everyone's undivided attention on the bus, including the bus driver. But rats, wouldn't you know it? I reached the Warner Bros main lot- I calmed down and realized that it probably wouldn't reflect well on me if I started a dragged out free for all in front of the place of my employment. Especially when I have my security badge twirling around my neck.

But, in whenever you're in a position or crisis of someone trying to push their wishy washy belief of a fairy tale existence in your face - please feel free to use my example- those reborn Christian fruities will do a backflip everytime.

It almost feels like I'm living what Marty goes through in the first ten pages of my forthcoming book.

~

Coat

STUPID CELEBRITY PILE UP

Fucking around on the internet again as I try to make sense of the direction that life is pelting me with.
Had a major sinus infection over the weekend and I'm up to 60 or 70 percent capacity- but I'm dedicating my writing time to polishing off my e-mail newsletter that I have to take over to Kinko's and have links shackled to it:

So legend has it at APE X this past Febuary, both Harris_O'Malley and JIMMASSEY dared to tamper with the forces of the supernatural by digging out their Ouija boards and held a seance to provoke the waking of the spirit of Cary Coatney who fell victim to a Delphiforum suicide just a short month ago.

Little did they know that when they summoned Cary, they interrupted him during in the middle of his most scrupulous and effervescent quest. Just when it was in within his grasp....he lost sight of placing a faithful touch on the fabric of the afterlife's most precious holy grail....

.....NATALIE WOOD'S UNDERPANTS.

Now forcibly brought back as a apparition to be subjected to further pelts of rotted fruit and huge oversized medicine balls....GREAT COATNEY'S GHOST has now come back to challenge your precious egocentric little minds in a quick game of wits he calls...

STUPID CELEBRITY PILE UP.
Yes- it's celebrities caught in are their most vile and dastardly unceremonious common day bout brushes with stupidity culled from the best of what tabloid internet websites have to offer.

However, there is a catch...

I will present you with six stories. Five of them are true. One of them is not.
You will have to guess which one is not.

Or GREAT COATNEY'S GHOST will come to haunt you again.

Hurry up, eternal rest doesn't have all day, you know...


Story # 1

<< Love Gets Trial Date Troubled rocker Courtney Love will face trial on a misdemeanor drug charge on March 16 - under the guidance of new lawyer Michael Rosenstein. The singer, 39, arrived at the Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday and told Judge Patricia Schnegg she had fired her previous attorney as "he wanted me to plead guilty to something I didn't do." Now Love - who has lost custody of daughter Frances Bean Cobain after being charged - has pleaded innocent to that charge and two other felony counts of unlawful possession of prescription painkillers. The trial relates to an incident on October 2 when she allegedly tried to break into ex-love Jim Barber's Los Angeles home under the influence of a controlled substance. Although Love was due to be tried this week, Judge Schnegg reluctantly allowed to delay the case so Rosenstein can familiarize himself with the details of the case. Love told reporters outside the courthouse she hired Rosenstein "because he's cute". >>

Story # 2

<< Courteney Cox, 39, ate so much at L.A.'s Cafe Midi on Jan. 26 that hubby David Arquette, 32, teased her that she's probably having twins or triplets! The couple, expecting this summer, ordered four salads and four plates of sandwiches for just the two of them. Wearing a baby-blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans that subtly showed off her baby bump, Cox was affectionate toward her hubby, clad in a red-checked western shirt.>>

Story # 3

<< Actor and producer Shaun Cassidy was involved in a three car pile up at the security gate of Warner Brothers Studio. Although Cassidy did not receive a citation from the police, the accident is still being sorted out. A security guard was trapped between two cars and suffered a broken leg in the accident.>>

Oooooo, isn't that scary kids? Maybe poor Shaun got a little touch of American Gothic there, huh ?

Anyway, on to Story # 4

<<Alfred Gough and Mike Tollin, two executive producers from the WB hit tv show, Smallville are pursuing former Lois Lane actress, Margot Kidder to appear on a episode for the fourth season. Kidder, 55, would portray Ursa Carver, the mysterious daughter of clairvoyant Cassandra Carver who met a sudden end after revealing the destiny of a young Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) in the first season episode, Hourglass . Ursa comes to the town of Smallville to investigate what happened to her mother in the nursing home and to make Lex's life unbearable. However, Kidder is balking at the idea, after to what she refers to in the script, entitled Mental, 'of having my character stalking the citizens of Smallville and crouching in behind bushes and snatching home baked apple pies from open kitchen window sills. That whole scenerio sort of churns up some bad memories for me. I hope the writers do a little tweaking on it', said the strabismal actress. In response, Gough and Tollin are willing to pledge airtime and a donation in her name towards the Pfeiffer Treatment Center, a special lab dedicated to the research of the treatment of chemical imbalances in the similar fashion that was negotiated for Christopher Reeve's Paralysis Foundation last season when he guest starred on a episode. Christopher Reeve is set to reprise his role as the Stephen Hawkings inspired Dr. Virgil Swann in the April 14th episode, Legacy. Kidder is currently in negotiations, according to her publicist.>>

Story # 5

<< Stuttering John Melendez is leaving the Howard Stern radio show to become the new announcer on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno." He'll replace Ed Hall, who left the show to pursue acting. "I'm leaving because the money is a lot better, and I always wanted to be in Los Angeles," Melendez said yesterday. "I would eventually like to get a sitcom, to be in a sitcom, and acting has been real important to me." For Melendez, whose real-life stuttering provided Stern with comedic material on a nearly daily basis, the late-night TV gig is the latest chapter in an unlikely rise to stardom. Melendez has been part of Stern's morning antics for 15 years, after starting out as an unknown lackey. He's best known for firing ridiculous - often controversial and sexually suggestive - questions at such unsuspecting celebrities as Yogi Berra and Chevy Chase. He's parlayed being the on-scene buffoon into a disk jockey gig at Stern's home station WXRK (92.3 FM), as well as a band and a stint on ABC's reality series "Help, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." His role on the ABC series led to a guest appearance on "Tonight," leading to the new job. Over the weekend, Melendez dropped the bomb about his leaving on Stern. The popular radio host was gracious, he said. "I got choked up, he was very happy for me," Melendez said. "He said, 'Let's go celebrate.' We all went to Atlantic City." For Leno, he adds a character with a built-in following to the show, rather than breaking in a new star. Meanwhile, Stern has been off this week, so listeners have yet to hear his reaction, though Melendez promises that it should be "a great week of radio" when they return on Monday. Likewise, Stern's frequent on-air rants about wanting to leave radio when his contract expires played into Melendez's decision. "Howard's been saying he's leaving, and now it's a year and a half," Melendez said. "I have to think about what I'm going to do....I don't want to wait. It definitely had a lot to do with it. As soon as we got down to two years, I started to get nervous." Melendez will lose the "Stuttering John" moniker for Leno's show, and he's been working with an announcing coach in preparation for his start next month. He'll move his wife and two children there in July, and maybe expand the family. "I've got two kids, hopefully I can talk my wife into a third," he said. "The Puerto Rican side in me wants 12. My wife's Jewish, she wants two. Three is the most I can hope for." >>

And finally kiddies, I saved the best for last Story # 6:
< Jethro Tull has had a sex-change operation to become a woman, it was revealed today.

David Palmer, the band’s 66-year-old ex-keyboard player, has swapped his trademark beard for long blonde hair and make-up and is now called Dee. She is recording her first solo album.

The former soldier in the Royal Horse Guards said that she had “felt like this since the age of three” but that it was only since the death of wife Margaret nine years ago that the feelings were pursued.

She told the Daily Mirror: “I want to be judged on my musical ability alone, and nothing else.

“It’s not just wimps who want to do this. To be a girl, it goes a lot deeper than that.”

The guiding force behind Jethro Tull – Ian Anderson – released a statement, saying he hoped fans would accept Dee as a woman.

“I have known for the past two years of David Palmer’s intention to undergo gender-changing procedures and, like many other people who have known David for three decades as a bearded, pipe-smoking man’s man, I found it difficult to understand at first,” he said.

“But I fully support his decision to undertake a new life as a woman.

“To the many fans of Jethro Tull, I can only offer that they should accept Dee Palmer for her new persona and hope that they enjoy her musical activities in the future.”

He added: “The moment when the new Palmer identity was revealed to me was when the then, still David, phoned me to say ‘Ian, there’s something I need to get off my increasingly ample chest’.” >>


But chances are, I'll still find NATALIE WOOD'S UNDERPANTS before he does. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.I'm a ghost goddamn it, I'm allowed to laugh like that.

Anyway blame Harris and Jim Massey, they put me up to it.

Now, if you excuse I think the Spirit Movie Channel is now showing the RESURECTION OF PETER PROUD tonight somewhere in my abode in the astral plane.

Boo.

~

GREAT COATNEY'S GHOST!!!