STRANGE YUMMY STIRRINGS
BELOW THE BELT 4/29/05


This morning, the PP Guru would like to explore a little piece of Japan.




If you're one of those who serve as a operative in the Los Angeles district of the PP Guru's secret inner circle - you might want to treat yourself to the candy soda pop bliss of Puffy AmiYumi playing tonight at the Wiltern Theater.

Now, the PP Guru doesn't profess to be a staunch fan of Japanese popular music - but what breathing male could resist such a allure of a charming pair of cuties? Not just cuties, but hosts of their very own cartoon show on Cartoon Network and the composers of the main title theme on the Teen Titans animated series. In the PP Guru's handbook, that's quite a mighty thimble of talent.

I dunno- it sure takes a lot to make the PP Guru cry and every thing he is exposed to these preppy chipmunk - hoppity duo's antics in music videos, talk show appearances, and bus stop ads - a tear wells up in his eye and they succeed with barely an effort. They are just so goddamn happy all the time.

And the PP Guru doesn't do happy.

So knock yourselves out.

Undeniable substandial proof that Japan secretly won the war.

~ Coat

Sparky adds: They got a good deal ... and we got a good deal; More later on the whole US/Japan interaction thing ...

WINNERS SNAKE ALL!

Ta Dah! The Contest is closed!

We have 3 winners to the contest- which is a real big snake up the PP Guru's ego-cloaked wazoo, because he was wondering if anyone out in the Cyber Ixtlan was actually reading this much labor-inducing blog.

If the PP GURU even pondered the hindsight of the day when he would be generous enough to part his celestial personage of 'something for nothing' - He would not be surprised to find that his breathren would telepathically flock to him in mammoth droves.

The PP Guru finds this notion all very, very eurphoric to him - so much in fact, that it makes the hemline of his ceremonial robes' beg for stiff attention and the PP Guru knows full well how to reward such explosive loyality.

The 3 winners are:

Jessica Hurst - San Francisco, CA
Jim Cox - San Rafael, Ca
Michael Noble Eureka, Ca

(and don't all your names look pretty in purple?)

Congratulations my wage-slave minions- your paddles are on their way through the post.

~ Coat

HERE COMES THAT
SAME OLD SWEEPSTAKES
FEELING AGAIN!!

Greetings fellow Afterlife Afficionadoes!!

In celebration of the new Deposit Man comic book- The Deposit Man & the Last Great Gate of Mortality Act III just minted off the press- I've decided to reward three sets - that's 3 SETS of the entire mini-series to 3 lucky readers of this newsletter and to my blog: www.purplepinupguru@blogspot.com . That's right, you've read it here first! Thrill to the aromas of freshly pulped trees and feast your eyes on this entire incredible illustrated tale of everyone's favorite landlord of the afterlife in his first and only extraordinary Los Angeles beat-pounding adventure (or is it really Los Angeles?) before I whisk it off to the distributors and they in turn solicit it in their phone book type catalogs and you end up paying exorbitant prices for it afterwards!!

The first 3 recipients of this e-mail to reply will receive one postage paid set hermetically sealed for your bacterial protection in strong sturdy Mylar bags and boards.

So make with the clickie and I will notify you in return of what position you placed and then you can you tell me where to 'stuff' it at my local post office!!

Good luck!

~ Cary Coatney

P.S The Deposit Man is a copyrighted feature appearing in Landescape Productions magazines.

P.P.S. Employees present, past & future, friends, and family relating to Cary Coatney and Landescape Productions magazines are not eligible for this contest.

P.P.P.S Check out the new Porcupine Tree album 'Deadwing' in stores now! www.porcupinetree.com is our Unashamed Plug.

E-mail me for your chance to win @ depositman@yahoo.com

~ Coat

Sparky sez:
Not That You're Going To Take
The Word Of The Friend Of An
Angry 'Eternal Child' For Anything
— But I Keep My Promises


Coat merrily blasted at the scary looney followers of El Ron recently. Which would include celebrities like:


Scientologists John Travolta & Tom Cruise


Should you feel warm and fuzzy for not being a Scientologist? Yes, but not if you're a Xtian. I explained there was never a "human framework" for the myth of "Jesus" ... Why would History and Anthropology lie about anything as insignificant as a failed "whisper campaign?" Please tell us. Listen up, I love Xtians as much as any other members of a “King Killing Murder/Suicide Cult” — I merely despise Christianity for being the global mind deadening opiate that it is.

Our Power Elites' Puppets think they're good and righteous even though their wealth comes from 17 decades or more of profiting from human suffering. Remember that during the first Bush Junta - we saw World Vision International 'Christian Missionaries' being used as a front for the CIA's covert ops such as assassination and coup d'etats. It sorta came home when John Warnock Hinckley Jr., one of the more poorly brainwashed subjects, purposely failed to assassinate Ronald Reagan (true connoisseurs of conspiracy theories figure "Poppy" was trying to scare old "Dutch" ).

— “One particularly important World Vision official was John Hinckley, Sr., an oil man, reputed CIA officer, and friend of George Bush. You may have heard of his son. Less than four months before Hinckley Jr. became known as Jodie Foster's biggest fan, another member of the World Vision order, Mark Chapman, gunned down John Lennon in what may have been a practice run for the bigger hit on President Reagan. One of the policeman who found him was convinced that he was a mind-controlled assassin. Chapman was clutching a copy of the novel Catcher in the Rye, which was also owned by John Hinckley Jr. (The book was written by J.D. Salinger, who worked in military intelligence with Henry Kissinger during World War II.) Before going to trial, Chapman plead guilty after a voice in his head (which he attributed it to God) commanded him to do so.”

If you are not a Xtian — Here's a short short list:

Things To Do That Weaken Missionary Zeal
Without Telling Them To Fuck Off And Die
Allowing To Think They Have The Higher
Moral Ground -

1. Tell Them They Are Working Against God's Will — Ask them what is supposed to happen to Jewish folks after “The Rapture?” - as 144,000 Jews are supposedly to convert spontaneously afterwards to zealously convert unbelievers before Armageddon.
2. Tell Them They've A Defective Version Of God's Word — If their Gospels say God parted the Red Sea for Moses - you can show them the KJV is in error. It is the "sea of reeds" as baby Moses' basket was woven from reeds.
3. Explain There Was no "Jesus" as was explained earlier in this space ...

More on El Ron:
L. Ron Hubbard's past is embroiled in controversy, as is the history of Scientology (for more on that, see the Wikipedia article Scientology controversy).

Mountaineer Aleister Crowley

One controversial aspect of Hubbard's early life revolves around his association with Jack Parsons, a rocket propulsion researcher at Caltech and an associate of the British occultist Aleister Crowley. Hubbard and Parsons were allegedly engaged in the practice of ritual magick in 1946, including an extended set of sex magick rituals called the Babalon Working, intended to summon a goddess or "moonchild." (Among occultists today, it is widely accepted that Hubbard derived a large part of 'Dianetics' from Golden Dawn occult ideas such as the Holy Guardian Angel.) The Church of Scientology insists that Hubbard was acting as a US government intelligence agent, on a mission to put an end to Parsons' magickal activities and to "rescue" a girl Parsons was "using" for magickal purposes. Critics of Scientology dismiss the Church's claims as after-the-fact rationalizations. Crowley recorded in his notes that he considered Hubbard a "lout" who made off with Parsons' money and girlfriend in an "ordinary confidence trick." Discussions of these events can be found in the critical biographies ''Bare-Faced Messiah'', ''A Piece of Blue Sky'' and in ''The Marburg Journal of Religion''.

Hubbard later married the girl he claimed to have rescued, Sara Northrup. This marriage was an act of bigamy, as Hubbard had abandoned, but not divorced, his first wife and children as soon as he left the Navy (he divorced his first wife more than a year after he had remarried). Both women have alleged that Hubbard physically abused them. He is also alleged to have once kidnapped his and Sara's infant daughter, Alexis, taking her to Cuba. Later, he disowned Alexis, claiming she was actually Jack Parsons' child.

Hubbard has been interpreted as both a savior (Scientologists refer to him as "The Friend of Mankind") and as a criminal con-artist. These sharply contrasting views have been a source of considerable tension and hostility between Hubbard's supporters and his critics. A California court judgement in 1984 involving Gerald Armstrong, who had been assigned the task of writing Hubbard's biography, highlights the extreme opposition of the two sides:

"In addition to violating and abusing its own members' civil rights, the organization Scientology over the years with its "Fair Game" doctrine has harassed and abused those persons not in the Church whom it perceives as enemies. The organization clearly is schizophrenic and paranoid, and the bizarre combination seems to be a reflection of its founder L. Ron Hubbard. The evidence portrays a man who has been virtually a pathological liar when it comes to his history, background, and achievements. The writings and documents in evidence additionally reflect his egoism, greed, avarice, lust for power, and vindictiveness and aggressiveness against persons perceived by him to be disloyal or hostile. At the same time it appears that he is charismatic and highly capable of motivating, organizing, controlling, manipulating, and inspiring his adherents." -- Superior Court Judge Paul Breckinridge, ''Church of Scientology of California vs. Gerald Armstrong,'' June 20, 1984.

Conflicting interpretations of Hubbard's life are presented in the online version of Russell Miller's largely critical biography of Hubbard, ''Bare Faced Messiah''; this version includes links to Scientology's official accounts of Hubbard's past, embedded within Miller's description of the same history.

Several issues surrounding Hubbard's death and the disposition of his estate are also subjects of controversy — a swift cremation with no autopsy; the destruction of coroner's photographs; coroner's evidence of the drug Vistaril present in Hubbard's blood; questions about the whereabouts of Dr. Eugene Denk (Hubbard's physician) during Hubbard's death, and the changing of wills and trust documents the day before his death, resulting in the bulk of Hubbard's estate being transferred not to his family, but to the Scientology organization.

Go here next:
* Burroughs On Scientology
* scientology celebrities FAQ

HEY, PP GURU, WHAT THE FUCK?

Yeah, yeah- the PP Guru knows. He never got a moment to sit down to write about his recent APE experience. Ok, ok- the PP Guru admits that he can get a little sidetracked with these current vibes and stuff such as when new movies and book fairs, and chicks are on the lowdown- this shit happens. The PP Guru humbly apologizes to the handful who read this drivel driven blog. He's only a lowly wage earning sage, damn it!

To smoke it bluntly: The show this year was a complete waste of fucking time. The PP Guru just might skip next year's offering and find greener pastures at other populated areas to rake in his big booty of poppy. The PP Guru knew the show was off to a bad start when he picked up his exhibitor badge and was quite anxious to see how he was his listing turned out in the program guide. The Guru turned to the page of that listing and it said: featuring the world premiere of the DEPOSIT MAN & THE LAST GREAT TALE OF MORTALITY ACT THREE.

That grevious error just nearly caused the PP Guru to burst a blood vessel in his freakin' penis.

What a fucking pain in the privates.

And from there on end: it was a lousy fucking twenty-fives dollars worth of Landescape Productions products sold.

Goddammit- the PP Guru was supposed to come back from this trip a fuckin' superstar.

So What the hell happened? What in the cocksucker fucking hell went wrong?

The only redeeming thing about this trip was that the PP Guru plush hotel accommodations was right above a bitchin' hot smokin' pizza joint.

The PP Guru however does want to chronicle his dangerous night out on the town when he had to flee for his very 'not want anything to do with that gangbanging lifestyle' pacifist life when he found himself crawling out of the Spock's Beard show.

Are you all happy now?

~

Coat

MY BALONEY HAS A
FIRST NAME, AND IT' S
... E-L-R-O-N.

While the PP Guru was canvassing last weekend's Los Angeles Times sponsored Festival of Books - he came across some kind of low-key spectacle that was taking place near the set up tent named the Los Angeles Times Stage.

The PP Guru took his sweet ass time browsing through nearly every tent there was- at least the ones that were strategically and placed in the center of the whole hub bub. There were booths upon booths of mystery books, politics (all the Nation mags you can scarf down ) books on Buddha, Self-Realization Fellowship, Latino culture, black culture (the PP Guru just loves to hang with the sistas) , arts & crafts, film, self published student works provided by universitites, and, comics (Hi-De-Ho was present, but sadly Golden Apple was a no-show this year, no doubt to the passing of the very much lamented Bill Liebowitz) etc. Unfortunely, not enough sci-fi was prominent this year. Real sci-fi - not that useless hack shit that L. Ron Hubbard tried to peddle off on the Guru when he was just a teeny tiny sage -ite.


Is the message here
that El Ron got mere Men
to stop wearing such
Jazzy Hats?

The PP Guru got accosted by some of L.Ron's strong armed flunkies while he was about to walk across the street and to see if he could get a decent seat for Kevin Smith's speech. It was sort of like being violated with kindness- they see some poor defendless schmuck passing by and sort of non- chalantly put the gentle squeeze on your shoulder and talk to you in whispers - 'Hey Son, what kind of science fiction do you read? The PP Guru thinking to himself that he had planned a contingency safe word to get out of this encounter if the situation merited, with gusto, says out loud: ' pulps'!

That ought to slow 'em down. El Ron never got around to fondling with the likes of Doc Savage or the Shadow...

Or so The Guru thought. --
(El Ron was originally a hack at the endtimes for the pulps - ask Harlan about it ~ Sparky)

So then these meat head sized intimidating goons then proceed to show the PP Guru these new fangled coffee table sized editions of El Ron's Amazing Stories or Arogosy cover reproductions that must have at least cost fifty or sixty dollars a pop- plus a Church of Scientology donation if properly shook down for it.

The PP Guru broke down and honestly told these tactless thugs that the only 1,000 plus page piece of trash of El Ron's that he ever attempted to read was Battlefield: Earth which he happened to junket about half-way through - and we now all know how much boffo the Church of Science of Bowel Movement Analtogists tried to rake in on that movie franchise - Oh yeah, the PP Guru just bets Mission:Earth, The Invader's Plan is going to do good the most good of any Sci Fi freakie flunkies's wetty trousers just right where it is.... in stinking development hell.

And let it forever rot there.

'Let's face it, boys- you're nothing more than some cranked up devouted stool pigeons paying homage to your one time sugar high- lord and master who sat on nothing more than a stone cold dialysis throne chugging down catcus cooler slurpees day in and day out reaping in the benefits of his dollar wager made with sci-fi writing suckers. So if you don't mind- I'm just browsing.'

In response, all the PP guru got was:

a Blank stare.

Then....

A involuntary flutter of eyelids.

Then after a brief entanglement of silence, the PP Guru mustered his peyote buttered- churned courage and .... "I said, I 'm just browsing.... AND WOULD YOU PLEASE GET YOUR FUCKING MITTS OFF MY SHOULDER?"

Well, that omitted a light response.

The grip released and soon after, as the PP Guru made his waddle across the street- and wouldn't you know it? Meanwhile at another El Ron mind control center (and there were several conveniently located stations spread out throughout other areas of the fairgrounds, just what kind of message is the UCLA campus sending out anyway? That there are El Ron pell grants that can even penetrate these higher halls of academia?- Perhaps, another trap to be sprung- ah, never mind, it's the same old horseshit) he then witnesses another kindred soul experiencing a similar situation.

This anonymous middled-aged paunchy fella took a cell phone picture of some Dianetic doofusses sitting at various tables under tents where they applied electrode devices to finger tips of way out stressed festival goers (yeah, right.). As soon as his built in camera phone flashed, three or four turtlenecked wearing goons flocked to assemble on the guy like a posse of seagulls and demanded, politely of course, not to take anymore pictures. The guy thought it was some type of joke.

So did the PP GURU ..

But then the PP Guru realized these jokers weren't to be fucked with.. so the man with the pouch that looked like as if he were living in pain with a conjoined twin, tried to circumvent his way around them, because, for some unfathomable reason, he wanted to take more pictures of these lethargic saps who fall for this skull -drilling kind of shit- but they kept barricading his path. It grew more irritable from that point that it nearly turned into a shoving match.

Oh boy, a scrape is about to happen and the PP Guru about ready to unsheath his mitts, and join in the fray to kick some major scientogolist ass...until

Goddamn it-

Dead Men Don't Write Crappy Books

It just hit the PP Guru like a Liquid Plumbing Brick.

Irritable bowel syndrome.

Aw fuck, The PP Guru figured getting a little pumped up to hear Kevin Smith spew nothing but equally mind-poisoning soliloquies spruced with obscentities would get all the intestinal nerves a jumping. The PP Guru had to employ emergency manuevers into one of the university building men room's and punish the hell out of his pelvic muscles for eating the goddamn KFC the previous day before.

Interesting question the PP Guru overheard being asked of Messr.Smith from the crowd gathered when he emerged crippled, but yet unscathed from the can:

Do you think the Pope is going fuck things up?



Well, the dude did direct Dogma, after all,- so he would be the man to trust with such a conundrum of a theological stumper.

Kevin Smith didn't have a easy answer. The man has only been in office for four lousy days- you can't expect anything severly problematic to occur within that short amount of time unless, the Pope wakes up one morning and decides to throw out all non-whites out of the Vatican.

The young person from the audience failed to provide one caveat and rectified this little oversight: the pope used to be in the Hitler's Youth Squad.

Well then, Kevin sighed, I guess dreams can come true.

Robert Crais was up next- but he didn't really have a whole lot to say.

The PP Guru does enjoy his books, though. L.A. Requiem kicks major ass.

~ Coat